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Did you eat a lot of chocolate for Easter last weekend? If so, did your choice of which particular color of candy egg to swallow say something deeply significant about you as a person?

Personally, I tend to prefer white chocolate to ordinary brown milk chocolate, and I certainly prefer the latter to bitter dark chocolate. But is this merely a case of de gustibus non disputandum est (“matters of taste are beyond dispute”), or a reflection of my profound internalized sense of racism and hideously white supremacist outlook upon the world?

The most popular brand of white chocolate here in the U.K. is Nestlé Milky Bar, advertised for decades by the Milky Bar Kid mascot, a bespectacled infant cowboy with strawberry-blond hair, pastel blue eyes, and skin as pale as monumental alabaster. Way back when I was a Milky Bar Kid myself, I remember hearing playground whispers about a little black boy threatening to sue Nestlé on racial discrimination grounds for not allowing him to play the part of the Kid in their adverts. As an adult, I presumed this was just a satirical urban myth: Looking it up today, I find it was actually true!

Events occurred in 1994, when 10-year-old Nathan Brandy turned up for auditions at the Theatre Royal, Nottingham, and for some reason was surprised to find himself the only black child amongst 600 others who had arrived seeking to fill what was virtually an albinos-only part. According to Nathan’s mother, Maureen Gray, Nestlé “just want[ed] a blue-eyed white boy” to play their famously white and blue-eyed white chocolate mascot, which was obviously horribly racist. Risibly, the aptly named U.K. actors’ union Equity spinelessly agreed with her.

This being the pre-BLM era, Nestlé themselves were still made of sterner stuff, dismissively saying that “We are definitely not going to cast a black or Asian child in the part,” as this would just be pure cultural appropriation of the white man’s sacred heritage. “That’s what the Milky Bar Kid looks like [i.e., white, like milk] and there is no reason to change it.” Given their apparent belief that any and all such roles should be cast on an absolutely racially blind basis, I wonder what the family’s reaction would have been had Nestlé, in a similar spirit, innocently told Nathan to try his luck applying for a role as the Coco Pops Monkey instead?

Wife Is Like a Box of Chocolates
In the thirty years since, chocolate, just like everything else, has been unable to avoid falling foul of changes in contemporary social mores. Belgian chocolatiers quite happily used to sell severed chocolate hands to children, a reference to an obscure old Belgian legend. Today, a new antiwhite legend has emerged that they instead refer back to 19th-century colonial times, when white administrators in the Belgian Congo used to cruelly cut off the right hands of Congolese slaves as punishment. Pretty soon, I predict, you won’t be able to get a tray of chocolate hands in Belgium for love nor money; except in the Molenbeek area of Brussels, naturally, where sharia-compliant sweetshops will still keep some spare stock on shelves as a tasty reminder of the good old days back in their customers’ homelands.

As brown skin and brown chocolate are both, self-evidently, brown in color, it was once a common marketing ploy across Europe to name sweets after now-archaic terms for black people: The Swiss formerly sold Mohrenkopf, or “Moors Heads,” these being cores of fluffy white marshmallow covered in an encasing layer of rich, dark chocolate, but, following the public meltdown of George Floyd in 2020, these were removed from shelves by various under-pressure supermarket chains. The director of the company that manufactured the Mohrenkopf mallows, Robert Dubler, tried spouting the NRA-copying line “Chocolate products are not racist, people are,” but the stores that began boycotting his treats were forced to disagree. Given the level of pointless self-righteous outcry, you’d think it was one of the sweets themselves Mr. Floyd had actually choked to death on.

In Germany, meanwhile, similar chocolate-covered marshmallows are traditionally known as Negerkuss, or “Negro’s Kisses”; today, they have been rebranded as Schokokuss or “Chocolate Kisses,” which, being a form of obscene sexual practice much favored by homosexuals, is far more acceptably diverse.

One manufacturer of such items, Super Dickmann, caused offense by putting out an online Facebook advert to link in with Marzipan Meghan Markle’s marriage to well-known Ginger Nut Prince Harry back in 2018. The ad showed a cute cartoon image of a choco-skinned Negerkuss done up in a bridal outfit in a manner that made it look like one of the ghosts from Pac-Man wearing drag and waving at the camera. This led to a series of outraged comments in response, such as one user’s entirely reasonable “Saw Dickmann’s commercial and want to set something on fire.” Any old excuse for BLM supporters, eh?

Kinder Stupid
Another German advert, put out by the Italian candy giant Ferrero, was also accused of stoking racial hatred in this respect. In the German market, besides their most famous Kinder Surprise plastic-toy-filled hollow chocolate egg line, Ferrero also sell a hazelnut-snack product called Ferrero Küsschen, or “Ferrero Kisses,” the white chocolate versions of which are traditionally only available at Christmas, their color echoing festive snow. However, the Kisses were so popular that there was a public campaign to get them sold all year round, a demand Ferrero obeyed.

As such, Ferrero’s advert announcing this fact was styled around an election theme that had been won by an outlet called something like the White Party, who easily defeated their prime opponents the Mars Bar Party and its esteemed leader, Mick Jäger. Footage showed jubilant Jerries gathered at mass Nuremberg-style rallies applauding wildly and carrying placards saying things like “Germany Votes White,” “White Nuts Stay,” and the Barack Obama-referencing “Yes Weiss Can” (“Yes White Can”). “We all want to change the country for the tastier, we want white nuts forever!” said another banner.

Was this a Nazi-like call for low immigration and an immediate end to interracial breeding across the entire Neo-Reich? No, it was an advert for sweets. “All our assertions were purely about white chocolate,” not white skin or white sperm, Ferrero spokesmen felt obliged to confirm, before withdrawing the ad. Did anyone seriously think otherwise? Yes, because this is the pathetic world we now live in.

An even clearer example of a racial pyramid system allegedly existing amongst chocolate products occurred a few Easters back when U.K. retail chain Waitrose likewise apologized for selling “racist” three-packs of chocolate Easter ducklings, one white, one brown, one dark. The light and dreamy white one was called “Fluffy,” the hard and crunchy milk chocolate brown one was called “Crispy,” and the dark, thick, and unpleasantly bitter one was called “Diane Abbott”—or, at least, so you might have thought, given the subsequent feathers that flew.

Actually, it was called “Ugly,” as in “The Ugly Duckling” from Hans Christian Andersen, but purportedly it was really a dog-whistle insult against the flower of black maidenhood (presumably none of the complainants had ever read the fairy tale in question, in which the Ugly Duckling actually grows up to be the fairest swan of them all—after undergoing professional skin-whitening procedures at the hands of Michael Jackson’s old plastic surgeon). The ducklings were rapidly withdrawn from shelves and forcibly rebranded with new names by their owners, leading to a secondary complaint subsequently being filed against Waitrose by the ghost of Kunta Kinte.

Cadbury’s Caste System
History’s most elaborately racist chocolate bar was Cadbury’s limited-edition “Unity Bar,” sold in India to mark their national Independence Day in 2019. Intending to “celebrate a country that stands united in its diversity,” Cadbury’s inexplicably decided to design a bar illustrating the country’s 3,000-year-old racial caste system, with six squares of white chocolate at the top, six of beige Caramac-type blond chocolate stuff just below, then six more of creamy brown milk chocolate, with six degenerate and despised squares of literally Untouchable dark Bourbon-style chocolate at the bottom. Suck a few squares from each section at once and commit mass miscegenation in your mouth!

“Congratulations to Cadbury’s for solving racism,” said someone non-white from the NYT in response, presumably sarcastically; unless, of course, he was just holding the whole bar upside down and therefore actually meant these words 100 percent seriously.

According to a 2022 essay, “White Chocolate Matters,” from pseudo-intellectual online blogger The Kitchen Scholar, such “Systemic hierarchy among chocolates” really does exist, as “an antithesis of institutionalized racism and colorism towards human lives in a sense that darker and more bitter chocolate products earn the conditioned privilege cards of consumer love and enthusiasm over the pale, light and milky ones that, in turn, rank above niche sugary white chocolates.” The blogger’s claim here was that, globally speaking, dark chocolate sells the best, above brown milk chocolate, with vile white chocolate being popular only amongst racist freaks like myself with miniature Klansmen for taste buds.

“Unlike black lives and black bodies,” the learned “Scholar” continued, white chocolate actively deserves to be racially discriminated against on the grounds that it is, supposedly, objectively of a gastronomically inferior quality to its darker-skinned overlords. So, in the chocolate world, racism did exist, and it was wholly justified—because it was racist against whiteness. You can even find similar sentiments being taught at Harvard these days, as I have recently detailed elsewhere.

Death by Chocolate
The inevitable overspill of such endless fountains of chocolaty crap into actual real-world scenarios can best be summed up by a social media post titled “Crazy lady thinks I’m racist because I chose white chocolate instead of dark.” You can post whatever you like on social media and there’s no guarantee that it’s actually true, but have a read and see what you think.

The story comes from a young white girl who enters a store and accidentally knocks some boxes off a candy shelf. Bending down to restack them, she is approached by a black woman who, seeing her acting thus, thinks she works there. “What type of chocolate do you recommend to me?” she asks. “White chocolate. It’s super tasty!” the girl replies. What the girl did not realize, however, was that this was in fact Maureen Gray, mother of the wannabe black Milky Bar Kid from 1994-era Nottingham, meaning her reply to this advice was the eminently reasonable “SO, A DARK-SKINNED CHOCOLATE ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?… HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOUNG LADY! YOU RACIST LITTLE CUNT!”

Maureen then gets out the manager. “FIRE HER!” she demands, like the man’s rightful racial overlord, “SHE TOLD ME THAT BEING DARK IS BAD AND SHE HATES ME!” “I have never seen this girl before,” protests the manager. “YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR OWN EMPLOYEES?” screams Maureen, probably demanding he fire himself on the spot, too. After consulting security camera footage and establishing who was actually in the right here, the manager quickly had the black woman escorted out from the store—whereupon the alarms began ringing, as she had been shoplifting.

Cadbury’s unacceptable Unity Bar may now have been discontinued, but I bet there’s another long-abandoned bar the long-suffering shopkeeper in question momentarily wished was still in existence across America instead. It was called the Color Bar.