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The Week That Perished

May 29, 2016

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Agitated, Denigrated, and Constipated Headlines


CANADA PROPOSES IMPRISONMENT FOR ANTI-TRANNY “HATE SPEECH”
Canada is a giant nation just north of the USA that sprawls the North American continent east-to-west. But very few people pay attention to Canada, largely because it is bland and uninteresting. Most of what passes for “public discourse” in that frozen, barren cultural wasteland consists of barely concealed rage and jealousy that the USA gets all the attention.

At any given moment, Canada is also about 15 years ahead of the USA down the murderous path of instituting Cultural Marxism as a state religion that must not be transgressed under penalty of death. White Canucks are leaping and galloping their way toward being the most genetically constipated and proudly ethnomasochistic white liberals on God’s green earth.

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s mother had sex with members of The Rolling Stones, most likely without condoms. In his quest to be even cooler than his mom, Trudeau is pushing a bill that would protect Canada’s eternally vulnerable transgender community by sending offenders to prison for up to two years if they dare commit the unpardonable sin of uttering “anti-transgender speech.”

In a gesture of solidarity with homos, trannies, and bisexual weirdo perverts, Trudeau recently issued a statement to commemorate the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia:

As a society, we have taken many important steps toward recognizing and protecting the legal rights for the LGBTQ2 community….There remains much to be done, though. Far too many people still face harassment, discrimination, and violence for being who they are. This is unacceptable….To do its part, the Government of Canada today will introduce legislation that will help ensure transgender and other gender-diverse people can live according to their gender identity, free from discrimination, and protected from hate propaganda and hate crimes.

“LGBTQ2”? What is that, a sequel? Or is that some new gay molecule or something? Under this new law, will you go to prison for referring to your car’s transmission as a “tranny”? And why would any man in his right mind want to wear a dress in Canada? It’s way too cold!

“In a nation torn asunder by this seemingly trivial issue, leave it to the Klan to offer the reasonable solution.”

Way down South, those wascally wabbits in the Ku Klux Klan stand accused of spreading anti-tranny fliers in bathrooms throughout Alabama and Mississippi.

Here is the text of the flier, reprinted unchanged:

TRANSGENDER
is an abomination according to the Kings James Bible

Deuteronomy 22:5
“A woman shall not wear that pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: For all that do are an abomination unto the Lord Thy God.

These freaks are jeopardizing the safety of bathrooms all across the nation for our women and children. This needs to STOP

There is no confusion
If you have a PENIS — Use the MENS ROOM
If you have a VAGINA — Use the LADIES ROOM

if your confused and don’t know what sex you are today
USE A TREE OUT IN THE BACK YARD

In a nation torn asunder by this seemingly trivial issue, leave it to the Klan to offer the reasonable solution.

In an incident that manages to be both comical and poetic, a butch Connecticut woman claims she was “a victim of transphobia” after another woman in a Walmart restroom mistook her for being a male-to-female tranny. According to the square-jawed and wide-shouldered Naugatuck resident Aimee Toms, she was washing her hands in the ladies’ bathroom when another woman approached her shouting, “You’re disgusting!” and “You don’t belong here!”

Because she is clearly not a lonely and attention-seeking narcissist, Toms uploaded a video of herself sharing her traumatic story with the world:

I was a victim of transphobia today as a cisgender female because my hair is short….She thought I was someone who was transgender. She thought I was a dude who was hiding in the women’s bathroom….I’ve had people call me all sorts of names for having short hair. I’ve had people call me a boy, I’ve had people call me a dyke, I’ve had people call me gay….I’m grateful that that woman only called me disgusting and didn’t physically attack me.…

You are lucky indeed, Aimee. By the way, have you ever had anyone call you boring?

ADORABLE LESBIAN GORILLAS AND WHY THEY MATTER
Adorable lesbian gorillas prove that homosexuality is not unnatural,” chirps a dutiful and, like, totally scientific headline in Raw Story. Envisioning a future world in which trans-species acceptance of alternative lifestyles is not only tolerated but celebrated, the article maligns “Anti-LGBT groups and Bible-thumping conservatives” for not realizing that animals engage in same-sex activity throughout all of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. The article features a candid photo of two female gorillas who, to be quite frank, aren’t all that adorable. The caption describes the two hairy girls as “engaging in ventro-ventral homosexual mounting” and explains that the “mountee is uttering copulatory vocalizations.”

But this misses a huge point—lesbian gorillas, no matter how loudly they utter copulatory vocalizations, have no concept of being “gay.” They follow no historical narrative that depicts them as an oppressed group that needs to rise up and receive full governmental protections, freedom from persecution, and taxpayer-sponsored condoms for when they choose to engage in ventro-ventral homosexual mounting. When lesbian gorillas have sex, they do it on their own dime.


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