The Week’s Most Sportive, Supportive, and Abortive Headlines
WOMEN MARCH ON WASHINGTON, PRETENDING THEY DON’T HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS
On Friday, January 20, 2017, Donald Jerusalem Trump became the President of the United States.
Let that sink in.
DONALD TRUMP IS NOW PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
And even though a whopping 12 percent more white women voted for him than for the dried seahorse Hillary Clinton, the day after Trump’s inauguration, hundreds of thousands of bitterly leftist, overwhelmingly white, and overwhelmingly obese women crammed like pink cattle onto the National Mall, all of them suffering from a mass delusion that Trump had the slightest interest in grabbing their pussies. They were gathered together to “resist” Trump, as if in a million lifetimes he’d be bothered to make a sexual advance on any of them.
Hideous old rich white women such as Gloria Steinem and Michael Moore whipped up the shrieking throngs of cat ladies by painting a picture of an America so drenched in misogyny, you would think it was some Muslim country or something.
Barking through megaphones, they warned American men that American women would no longer be quiet, which confused most American men, who are well aware that a vast majority of American women have tremendous trouble being quiet at any given time.
The Washington Post quotes one of the perhaps half-dozen or so men who attended:
I’m here to support my wife. I don’t care who you are, women impact your life and there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have the same rights as men.
We agree. Women are unfairly advantaged when it comes to things such as criminal sentencing, custody disputes, and trivialities such as lifespan. They even control more than half of the nation’s personal wealth.
We cannot think of a single instance in which women are legally disadvantaged vis-à-vis men. Can you?
So yes—we agree with the premise of this march—take away women’s unfair legal advantages and let them have the same rights as men.
“WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP” IS BEING REMADE
The 1992 film comedy White Men Can’t Jump, which makes sport of stereotypes about Caucasian athletic deficiencies in the extremely important game of basketball, is being remade, this time with a black director. Kenya Barris, creator of the biggety-black ABC show Black-Ish, will helm the redo and quite likely make it even more anti-white than the original. At press time, there are no plans for anyone in Hollywood to make a film called Black Men Can’t Do Calculus.
LATINO ACTIVIST TELLS GROUP OF ELDERLY WHITE CALIFORNIANS THEY “HAVE PROBABLY LIKE FIVE YEARS LEFT”
A recent City Council meeting in Rialto, CA (72.4% Hispanic) discussed whether the town should become a “sanctuary city.” Hispanic activist and ACLU lawyer Luis Nolasco motioned toward elderly white attendees and predicted their imminent extinction:
The people in this room are not representative of Rialto. Sorry to break it, but growing up here white people were the minority….It’s kind of mean for me to say it but these people have probably like five years left
Nolasco added that nonwhites were “the future,” and as such, they “don’t want to see an America that is hateful.”
He’s right, you know. Any honest examination of the Third World would reveal that it absolutely teems with love.
OBAMA PARDONS TRANNY WHISTLEBLOWER
After being convicted of espionage for leaking classified documents, Army Private Bradley Manning decided he was a chick named Chelsea. As proof that this was an utterly sane thing to do, Manning attempted suicide twice last year.
It is likely for this reason, and this reason alone, that one of Barack Obama’s last acts in office was to commute Manning’s 35-year sentence. Other whistleblowers such as Julian Assange and Edward Snowden, who seem comfortable with the genders they were assigned at birth, got no such pardons. And Obama will still go down as the president who prosecuted more people for espionage than all previous presidents combined.
Manning’s gender-confused ass will be free in May.
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