The Week’s Most Obsructionist, Reductionist, and Deconstructionist Headlines
TRUMP BITCH-SLAPS MEDIA AT PRESS CONFERENCE
Donald Julius Caesar Trump—who becomes President of the United States on Friday—took the American media to the woodshed and fed it to a wood chipper last Wednesday.
Trump was appearing in his first press conference since routing the weak and infirm globalist tool Hillary Clinton in the Electoral College tally by a score of 304-227. On Tuesday, clickbait hellhole BuzzFeed published a 35-page dossier alleging deep ties between Trump and Russia while admitting that all of the allegations therein were “unverified” and “unconfirmed.” The most lurid accusation was that Trump hired Russian prostitutes to urinate on motel beds where the Obamas had previously slept. CNN—an acronym that stands for Clinton News Network—reported on the BuzzFeed hit piece.
As he reigned over the cowering and spiritually corrupted press corps with his commanding and nearly divine presence, Trump called BuzzFeed “a failing pile of garbage.” He then revealed a set of bowling-ball-sized testicles as he steadfastly refused to field a question from CNN reporter Jim Acosta:
Not you…your organization is terrible….I am not going to give you a question….You are fake news.
After silencing Acosta, Trump proceeded to strip down to his underwear, rip a telephone book in half, bend a bar of steel with his teeth, and force a 12-foot alligator to tap out after Trump trapped the beast in a wicked submission hold.
It emerged later in the week that the notorious pranksters at 4Chan were claiming responsibility for completely fabricating the entire “golden showers” story—and possibly fooling the CIA in the process.
A BLACK “LADY LIBERTY” COIN
Even though Native Americans believed that rocks could speak, and despite the fact that they were so technologically backward that they couldn’t even figure out basic concepts such as “the wheel,” everyone knows that the main problem with American history is that there are too many doggoned white people in it.
This is why the US Mint—which, to our knowledge, does not taste or smell like mint and has never sold even a single mint to American consumers—is releasing a 24-karat $100 gold coin depicting Lady Liberty as a black woman.
According to an official statement by the Mint:
The 2017 American Liberty 225th Anniversary Gold Coin is the first in a series of 24-karat gold coins that will feature designs which depict an allegorical Liberty in a variety of contemporary forms—including designs representing Asian-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, and Indian-Americans among others—to reflect the cultural and ethnic diversity of the United States.
This is exciting news, especially since it is unknown whether Asian, Hispanic, and Indian cultures have ever even bothered to address the very concept of liberty.
MONSTROUSLY BLUBBERY FREAK RESPONSIBLE FOR “FUCK WHITE PEOPLE” ART EXHIBIT IN SOUTH AFRICA
Dean Hutton is an absurdly obese white female South African who is accused by some people of being Jewish, although at press time we were unable to verify whether she has been circumcised. Dean considers herself an artist, which is why she does stupid shit such as spray-painting her disgusting body in gold and posing nude in public places. Dean identifies as a male, which makes her even more annoying. She claims to “carry a massive weight” as a result of being a white woman rather than a more plausible explanation, such as, oh, maybe eating donuts by the bucket.
Now Dean and her massive weight are garnering headlines as a result of an installation at the National Art Gallery in Cape Town which consists of nothing more than the words “FUCK WHITE PEOPLE” on a canvas and, sometimes as an extra treat, Dean herself in a matching FUCK WHITE PEOPLE suit.
This is what unfuckable white people do when no one will fuck them.
Due to her massive size and what is presumed to be resultant physical disabilities, it is unlikely that any Zulus will mistake Dean for a white farmer and kill her. They might mistake her for a white farm, maybe, but not a white farmer.
THE “KOOL KIDS KLAN” HATE HOAX
A recent Hate Scare at Maryland’s Anne Arundel High School involved a “racist” petition anonymously handed out by a group calling itself the Kool Kids Klan. While people were still reeling in fear of an imminent large-scale Klan attack—which they’ve been doing in vain for, oh, about sixty years now and counting—a Twitter account was launched under the name @KoolkidsKlanKkk, which sent out a tweet stating, “We’re planning to attack tomorrow.”
Now police have issued a juvenile citation to the 14-year-old black girl who’d been posing as a Klansman all along.
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