The Week That Perished

March 04, 2018

View as Single Page
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Thickest, Slickest, and Sickest Headlines

South Africa is a magical land of nonpareil beauty with extremely high rates of murder, wealth inequality, and HIV infection. For a long time it was ruled by evil white males until a noble communist terrorist came along and started forcibly bending the moral arc toward justice.

But since “justice” is by nature indefinable, there’s never really an end to it, as the nation’s white farmers recently learned.

Last Tuesday, South Africa’s parliament voted 241 to 83 in favor of a motion for “expropriation without compensation” of white farm owners that was sponsored by radical Marxist Julius “Kill the Boer” Malema. In 2016 Malema wanted it made clear that he was “not calling for the slaughter of white people—at least for now,” but that was then and this is now.

Even though the new motion, well, if you want to get all autistic and technical, is a violation of the terms that originally ended apartheid, Malema says that the time for “reconciliation is over” and “the time for justice” has arrived, and if that sounds like a veiled threat, that’s likely because that’s exactly what it is.

The new motion renders the nation’s substantial white farming population—who currently own 72% of South Africa’s farmland—homeless and penniless. And despite all the rape and murder and government-endorsed persecution of whites, they have failed to achieve refugee status in America, the EU, or Australia because those entities are busy rolling out the red carpet for Muslims and black Africans.

Yesterday Zimbabwe, today South Africa, tomorrow Iowa.

“Yesterday Zimbabwe, today South Africa, tomorrow Iowa.”

Anyone who says that black people look like gorillas is a racist, which is why we regret to inform you that the entire town of Corsicana, TX is racist.

An angry-looking gorilla statue named “Dobby” had occupied a cage in a park playground for 19 years with nary a complaint nor a protest. But since the world is falling apart and everyone seems hell-bent on going absolutely freaking insane for no good reason whatsoever, a recent hue and cry emerged over the fact that the playground housed what appeared to many racists in the town to be an angry naked black man in a cage.

Over the past few weeks phone calls began pouring in expressing severe outrage that the city was making fun of naked incarcerated black males across this great land with its “stupid” and “not very funny at all, nope, not one bit” gorilla statue. So after 19 years, “Dobby” was set free from his cage. At press time we remain uncertain whether he is living on government assistance, nor whether government assistance is even available for toy statues of primates that trigger deep-seated paroxysms of guilt among people with way too much time on their hands.

To our knowledge, there is no historical evidence of gorillas ever complaining that people say they look like black people, which is incontrovertible evidence that we live in a deeply gorillist society.

Seriously, what the hell is the deal with white people and why do they go out of their way to make life miserable for everyone else? Don’t they realize that if they just stepped out of the way, black people would be driving spaceships, Mexicans would be curing cancer, and women would be dead-lifting 1,000 pounds?

Damon Young is a writer for the “Very Smart Brothas” segment of blackity-black website The Root. Since the average black IQ in America is 85, we’ll take a leap of faith and assume that Damon’s IQ hovers very comfortably in the low 90s, which statistically would make him a Very Smart Brotha—an outlier, even.

Damon is here to inform us that “America Doesn’t Have a Gun Control Problem. We Have a White-People Problem.” He bemoans the fact that most of rural America remains white, conveniently sidestepping the very plain fact that, despite all the Ice Cube family movies, black people simply don’t like to camp. Damon insists that blacks’ “entire existence here is a continual assault on our bodies,” demonstrating severe ignorance about statistical realities involving interracial violence as well as the fact that if he lived in, say, Sierra Leone, he’d be strangling his twin brother for a chance to eat the village’s last tiny chip of cow dung.

If anything, America suffers from a People Who Constantly Bitch About America But Refuse To Leave It Problem.

At another black website called Blavity, a certain Tres McMichael takes a break from his long day of chasing antelope and digging for grubs to instruct white people—even the well-meaning ones who are desperately seeking his approval and would rather choke to death than have him think they’re “racist” are still racist, and even if they admit it, they’re being racist in doing so:

“For hundreds of years, black people have been burdened with the task of educating white people,” McMichael chirps.

Funny—that’s not what the test scores, nor the entirety of technological history, show, but go ahead and feel comfy in your li’l chocolate bubble, mister. Far be it from us to spill any piping-hot Truth Tea in your lap.

At the Seattle installment of the nerd festival known as ComicCon, one group is conspicuously absent from party invitations, and that group is known as “straight white males.” There are parties scheduled specifically for “Women & Genderqueer,” “LGBTQIA,” and “People of Color,” but nothing targeted toward straight white males. This is tragic, seeing as how white males formed a substantial chunk of the Nerd Community even in those Paleolithic days before everyone stopped beating up nerds.

At the University of Texas, San Antonio, a group of QPOC—that’s “Queer Persons of Color,” you bigot—have announced plans to publish a magazine called “No Whites Allowed,” as if any straight white person would want to touch any of these circus animals with a ten-foot pole in the first place.

Finally, Senator Chuck Schumer says he refuses to vote in approval of Donald Trump’s selection to fill a vacant U.S. District Court seat in South Carolina with a white judge. “It’s long past time that the judiciary starts looking a lot more like the America it represents,” Schumer nasally intoned, failing to note that the U.S. Supreme Court is overrepresented by his own kinfolk to the tune of 1,851%.