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The Week That Perished

June 25, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Delicious, Nutritious, and Seditious Headlines


ONWARD AND N-WORD: SUPREME COURT RULES THAT “HATE SPEECH” IS PROTECTED
Relax, America: It’s time to start hating again!

In a unanimous 8-0 ruling, the US Supreme Court affirmed that so-called “hate speech” is indeed protected by the First Amendment.

Even the court’s three Heebs, one coon, and lady beaner agreed on this.

The ruling involved whether an Asian rock band calling themselves The Slants had the right to trademark their name after the government initially denied them permission. The band’s name referred to the debunked and discredited stereotype that Asians have slanted eyes, a racist myth that social scientists and climatologists have proved is entirely untrue.

Writing on behalf of four judges, some oily Dago named Samuel Alito said:

[The idea that the government may restrict] speech expressing ideas that offend…strikes at the heart of the First Amendment. Speech that demeans on the basis of race, ethnicity, gender, religion, age, disability, or any other similar ground is hateful; but the proudest boast of our free speech jurisprudence is that we protect the freedom to express “the thought that we hate.”

Speaking for the other four judges, some stinking-drunk Mick named Anthony Kennedy opined:

A law found to discriminate based on viewpoint is an “egregious form of content discrimination,” which is “presumptively unconstitutional.”…A law that can be directed against speech found offensive to some portion of the public can be turned against minority and dissenting views to the detriment of all.

We sincerely hope and pray that the court reconsiders its decision, seeing as empirical evidence unequivocally proves that being called spearchuckers and junglebunnies causes black people to smoke cigarettes.

“Relax, America: It’s time to start hating again!”

GERMAN OFFICIALS RAID HOMES OF THIRTY-SIX PEOPLE FOR “HATEFUL” POSTINGS
Because the Nazis ridiculed, belittled, joked about, and microwaved four hundred and thirty-seven billion Jews in World War II, everyone agrees that it is incumbent among the global community to continue beating indigenous Germans into the dirt and urging them to perform an auto-Holocaust upon themselves.

Last Tuesday, police across Germany busted into the homes of 36 people who were accused of saying mean things about non-Germans on social media.

Defending the raids, President of Germany’s Federal Criminal Police Office Holger Münch, who, if you want to be blunt, looks like he has a bit of sugar in his gas tank, burped up this little nugget of Newspeak:

The still high incidence of punishable hate posting shows a need for police action. Our free society must not allow a climate of fear, threat, criminal violence and violence either on the street or on the internet.

It’s clear that Germans will never truly be free unless they live in constant fear of freely speaking their minds.

AMERICAN TOURIST ACCUSED OF DYING BECAUSE NORTH KOREA DOESN’T HONOR “WHITE PRIVILEGE”
Everyone knows that leftists embody all that is good and loving about the human spirit, which is why many of them celebrated the recent death of a white American tourist who was jailed in North Korea for allegedly stealing a poster.

In late 2015, a white American in his early 20s named Otto Warmbier visited North Korea with a China-based tour group. As he attempted to return home on January 2, 2016, authorities arrested him and accused him of nicking the poster from his hotel room. A tearful Warmbier confessed to the crime on-camera, but communist authorities are known for forcing confessions out of people. Either way, it’s a frickin’ poster.

Why did this happen? Because North Korea doesn’t honor white privilege, and you’re stupid for even asking!

When the story became international news, Comedy Central’s alleged comedian Larry Wilmore slammed Warmbier for his “Frat Bro Privilege”:

North Korea isn’t a playground for college pranks, Kim Jong-un isn’t a fictional character from a Seth Rogen movie, and Pyongyang isn’t some game you play with Coors Light and Solo cups….It’s just tough for me to have much sympathy for this guy and his crocodile tears.

Taking it up a notch, a sassy Negress who calls herself LaSha bet three dollars that Warmbier stole the poster because he was high on his white privilege:

I’m willing to bet my last dollar that he was aware of the political climate in that country, but privilege is a hell of a drug. The high of privilege told him that North Korea’s history of making examples out of American citizens who dare challenge their rigid legal system in any way was no match for his alabaster American privilege.

Korean authorities sentenced Warmier to fifteen years of hard labor. Shortly after his arrest, he lapsed into a coma due to “extensive loss of brain tissue” and was finally returned to the USA this month, where he died days after his arrival.

Hearing the news of Warmier’s death, an absolutely beautiful anthropology professor at the University of Delaware declared that justice had been served:

Is it wrong of me to think that Otto Warmbier got exactly what he deserved?...These are the same kids who cry about their grades because they didn’t think they’d really have to read and study the material to get a good grade….His parents ultimately are to blame for his growing up thinking he could get away with whatever he wanted….Maybe in the US, where young, white, rich, clueless white males routinely get away with raping women. Not so much in North Korea.

Is it wrong of us to think that this professor should get exactly what she deserves?


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