News

The Week That Perished

July 29, 2018

John Cowell

The Week’s Most Kissable, Transmissible, and Impermissible Headlines

“PROUD BOYS” FALSELY DRAGGED INTO OAKLAND STABBING MURDER
Last Sunday night in Oakland, an 18-year-old black female named Nia Wilson was approached from behind as she stood on a BART platform and slashed in the throat, killing her. A 27-year-old white ex-con named John Cowell has been arrested and charged with Wilson’s murder.

And that is all we will state definitively because we’ve been trained in the rules of journalism and know it’s dangerous and illegal to spread false rumors without verifying them.

But if you were to listen to black activists as aggressively stupid as Tariq Nasheed, or white activists who pretend they’re black and are as balls-to-the-wall mentally handicapped as Shaun “Talcum X” King, you would have been led to believe that Nia Wilson was probably murdered by a member of the “Western chauvinist” group the Proud Boys, founded by former Taki’s Mag writer Gavin McInnes.

Despite being listed as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, the Proud Boys go to almost comical lengths to explain that they are anti-“racist” and pro-Semitic and very eager to spotlight their nonwhite members, especially if they’re gay. Naturally, in today’s climate of carcinogenic hyperbole, they are routinely portrayed as “white supremacists,” “fascists,” “Nazis,” and especially “white supremacist fascist Nazis” regardless of how they define themselves.

We’ve noticed of late that the term “white supremacist”—which has a quantifiable definition and literally applies to almost no one these days despite how frequently it’s lobbed like a poison dart—is being used recklessly as a way to dehumanize someone and therefore justify, say, punching their teeth out or getting them fired or having them run out of town by a torch mob.

Due to equal measures of irresponsible insinuation and outright lies, word quickly spread online that John Cowell was a member of the Proud Boys who sought out Wilson in a deliberate Hate Murder. Then during a vigil two nights later, the narrative proclaims that the Proud Boys showed up Westboro Baptist Church-style and started harassing the humble attendees, who had no other choice but to select one member of the group and beat the snot out of him in a 20-on-1 attack.

“If you’re planning on visiting France this summer to romp with the unshaved natives, you’d be wise to pack a few condoms.”

This ruthless mob beating—far more violent than any footage you’ve ever seen of Alabama cops with firehoses and dogs—was seen as entirely justified by Shaun “Talcum X” King, easily the dumbest white man ever to pretend he was black. King and the 10-watt lightbulb inside his head ran with the narrative that most justified his brand of mental incapacitation:

There is a vigil in Oakland last night thousands of people show up. They’re grieving, including the family. They’re there and they’re grieving.…White supremacists in Trump hats calling themselves proud boys, a new white supremacist group. It’s like the new KKK….They’ve just put on nicer shirts but it’s just the KKK in a different form. With Trump hats, [they] show up to disrupt the vigil. Like, show up to interrupt people grieving. How sick do you have to be to show up and interrupt people during their moment of grief?

How stupid do you have to be to think that’s what actually happened? The answer, my friend, is “as stupid as Shaun King.”

As it turns out, the white man who was mobbed and beaten on suspicion of being a Nazi was the stepfather to two black daughters and had attended the vigil as a sign of sympathy for Nia Wilson. And according to a series of text messages from Gavin McInnes, the whole debacle kicked off when the owners of a local bar mistook a group of Trump supporters for Proud Boys, who are universally mistaken as violent, predatory Nazis:

Meeting was for a Trump Reddit group. Nothing to do with us….The original bar heard “Trump” and started this whole retarded narrative….Then girl gets stabbed….Big vigil. They assume it was a PB because Tariq Nasheed said it can’t be a coincidence. Meanwhile, we never tried to have a meeting at that bar!….Vigil happens. They start beating up random white dude because he had an American flag shirt (he has 2 black stepgirls BTW)….They thought we went to stab a random black girl and then go celebrate and they were protesting that!….Meanwhile there are 100 homicides a year in Oakland. Not Nazis. Blacks….The guy who did it is CLEARLY a transient lunatic ex-con whose neighbors had a restraining order….This whole story has been the stupidest news story I’ve ever seen and I was convinced nothing could top the women’s march.

McInnes says he plans to sue certain parties for libel over the whole flagrantly ridiculous affair. As much as we hate civil law, we approve of this move—not because we think there’s anything wrong if you personally believe white people are the bee’s knees, but because in the current climate, being labeled a “white supremacist” is akin to having a target painted on your back. It’s an invitation to have violence rained down upon you.

TEDx TALK SPEAKER: PEDOPHILIA IS A LEGITIMATE SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Remember during the whole knock-down-drag-out debate over gay marriage when people were gaslit for suggesting that the next stage for the deviant left was to normalize pedophilia?

Ta-da! Here we are!

At a recent TEDx Talk in Germany, a visually unobjectionable and sexually normal-looking woman named Mirjam Heine gave a speech titled “Pedophilia is a natural sexual orientation.” Standout nuggets from her soliloquy include:

According to current research pedophilia is an unchangeable sexual orientation just like, for example, heterosexuality. No one chooses to be a pedophile, no one can cease being one….The difference between pedophilia and other sexual orientations is that living out this sexual orientation will end in a disaster….Abusing children is wrong without any doubt, but a pedophile who doesn’t abuse children has done nothing wrong….We shouldn’t increase the sufferings of pedophiles by excluding them, by blaming and mocking them. By doing that, WE increase their isolation and WE increase the chance of child sexual abuse.

Although Heine was mildly reprimanded for her comments, it wasn’t as if she was personally destroyed for uttering something as patently false and heinous as, say, alleging that Turkish immigrants might not be the best thing for Germany.

THE (FECES-COVERED) STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO
London Breed is the token black woman who serves as San Francisco’s mayor to largely distract from the uncomfortable fact that Frisco is only 6% black—which is less than half as black as this entire racist country is, including all the remote hills and hollers of flyover country—and is instead dominated by disproportionately wealthy whites and Asians.

Ms. Breed is one of perhaps ten to twelve black women who grew up in San Francisco and says she can’t remember a time when there was so much feces on the streets.

I will say there is more feces on the sidewalks than I’ve ever seen growing up here. That is a huge problem and we are not just talking about from dogs—we’re talking about from humans.

San Francisco’s Department of Public Works recently received at least four complaints about a bag containing “20 pounds of poop” at the corner of Polk and Cedar Streets.

Although the city she leads will fork out an estimated $280 million dollars this year just to feed, clothe, house, and wipe the posteriors of its ample homeless population, the mayor says she doesn’t want to penalize these street-shitters. She just expects them to clean up after themselves like any self-respecting Tenderloin derelict would.

Let us know how the honor system goes, Miss Mayor—that is, if you aren’t swept away under a tidal wave of human waste.

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