Pope Francis

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The Week’s Most Divisive, Derisive, and Indecisive Headlines

POPE SLAMS TRUMP; TRUMP HITS BACK AND WINS
Suspected globalist tool Pope Francis took a swipe at Our Glorious Future Leader Donald Trump last week, only to timidly retreat when Trump fired back.

At the tail end of a six-day trip to Mexico”€”which is sending rapists and drug dealers to America”€”the Pontiff openly questioned Trump’s Christianity:

A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not of building bridges, is not Christian. This is not the gospel.

What about the giant wall around the Vatican that was initially built to repel Muslim invaders?

Never one to back down from a fight with anyone, Trump released an official retort:

If and when the Vatican is attacked by ISIS, which as everyone knows is ISIS’s ultimate trophy, I can promise you that the Pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been President because this would not have happened….The Mexican government and its leadership has made many disparaging remarks about me to the Pope, because they want to continue to rip off the United States, both on trade and at the border, and they understand I am totally wise to them….For a religious leader to question a person’s faith is disgraceful.

A Vatican spokesman then backtracked on the Pope’s initial comment, claiming it was not a personal attack on Trump and that it was merely intended to underline the Holy Father’s belief that true Christians should build bridges rather than walls.

At press time, the high walls that surround and protect Vatican City remain.

On Saturday, Trump resoundingly won the South Carolina Republican primary. He speaks at a rally in Atlanta today, which will be covered by our local correspondent tomorrow.

DUDE STRIPS NAKED IN FEMALE CHANGING ROOM, CLAIMS TRANSGENDER RIGHTS
News emerged last week that in early February, an adult male moseyed into a women’s changing room at a Seattle swimming pool and proceeded to remove every stitch of clothing as the members of a young girls’ swim team gaped on in horror.

When asked about what the hell he was doing, the man allegedly claimed that he was a transgender woman: “The law has changed and I have a right to be here.”

Officials say that the “woman” in question made no attempt to appear as a woman nor to act as one. Seattle Parks spokesdude David Takami sputteringly explained that his department is committed to tolerating the ongoing delusions of men who claim that they’re women: “We want everyone to feel comfortable in our facilities.” Apparently this does not include young girls who wouldn’t feel comfortable at the sight of men stripping naked in front of them.

Completely discounting the understandable and legitimate fear of nubile females who have no desire to see strange males strip naked in front of them, nor to have the same males gawk at their nude bodies, the leftist totalitarians at Free Speech TV deemed a new South Dakota bill”€”the first in the nation to explicitly ban the sort of shenanigans that transpired in Seattle”€”as “transphobic,” a neologism that Microsoft Word thankfully still redlines as not a word at all.

Also last week, the decathlete formerly known as Bruce Jenner claimed that he’s received more criticism for being a political conservative than for falsely claiming that he’s a chick.

CANADIAN SISSY-BOY CRIES TO POLICE ABOUT ANTI-GAY VALENTINE
A 20-year-old adult male baby in Edmonton went screaming like an infant to police after receiving a Valentine at work onto which some prankster had scrawled the word “FAGGOT.”

Claiming that he’d been the victim of a hate crime, Degas Sikorski sobbed:

It is terrifying being seen in the public eye like this and for something as horrible as this hate speech.

Disregard the fact that the only person who placed this incident in the “public eye” is Sikorksi’s mom, who posted about the event on Facebook.

Being a homosexual is one thing; being a sissy mommy’s boy is quite another.

STUDY: SOUTH HAS AMERICA’S LOWEST RATE OF “HATE CRIMES”
The American South”€”which lost the Civil War and has been scapegoated for all the nation’s ills ever since, despite the fact that it has always hosted far more black people than any other part of the country”€”defies all stereotypes by hosting the nation’s lowest rate of so-called “hate crimes.”

Notoriously intolerant states such as Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia all showed a lower rate of “hate crimes” than the progressive paradise of Washington State and the perennially liberal state of Massachusetts, which controlled the African slave trade in America.

In its annual report on “Hate and Extremism,” the Southern Poverty Law Center”€”which is entirely anti-Southern in spirit and about as far away from poverty as is possible for an alleged charitable organization, seeing as it boasts net assets of over a quarter-billion dollars“€”blamed the rise of Donald Trump for producing a banner year of right-wing intolerance.