Issue of the Century

The Genetic Dead Ends Who Rule Europe

May 15, 2017

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The Genetic Dead Ends Who Rule Europe

When France decided to slit its own throat last week and elect the childless Emmanuel Macron as its president over the bustier and more fecund Marine Le Pen, it made him the ninth current European leader whose loins have borne no fruit.

In addition to France, childless men and barren women currently rule Italy, Germany, the UK, Scotland, Sweden, the Netherlands, and Luxembourg. Jean-Claude Juncker, President of the European Commission, has likewise never fathered nor raised a seedlin’. (And it’s not as if he has a face that inspires female lubrication, so it’d be an uphill climb for him under any circumstances.)

At this point, the 39-year-old Macron will likely never become a father, seeing as his 64-year-old wife’s vagina stands a high statistical chance of having fossilized by now. Macron has described colonialism as a “crime against humanity,” although he apparently has no qualms about France being colonized by Muslims. He has also stated that there is no such thing as “French culture.” He is also persistently dogged by rumors that he’s had a long-lasting, rump-wrangling, man-on-man relationship with Radio France chief executive Mathieu Gallet.

“Emmanuel Macron is the ninth current European leader whose loins have borne no fruit.”

Days before Macron debated Le Pen on French TV, Le Pen’s father
told a crowd, “He talks to us about the future, but he doesn’t have children!” The elder Le Pen described his own vision of France as “a past from where we come, and without which we would not have existed biologically, physically, morally, or spiritually.”

Responding to Le Pen’s comments, Macron said:

Mr. Le Pen told me, ‘You don’t have the right to talk about the future, because you don’t have children.’ Mr. Le Pen, I have children and grandchildren of the heart. It’s a family that you have to build, it’s a family you have to conquer, a family that doesn’t owe you anything, and that you will never have!

In other words, it’s a family that doesn’t really exist.

During the campaign, Marine Le Pen accused Macron of being the lapdog of Angela Merkel, the former communist and nude sunbather who has never given birth but has handed Europe over to be killed. Under Merkel’s frumpy rule, Germany can currently claim the dubious bragging right of being the nation with the highest quotient of childless women in the world. An estimated 30% of German women have spawned no offspring; among female college graduates, it’s 40%.

Current UK Prime Minister Theresa May also has a womb that might as well be a tomb, but at least it’s not from a lack of trying. Same goes for Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon—she gave up after suffering a miscarriage.

Italian Prime Minister Paolo Gentiloni, who looks like Merkel with maybe a half-shot of testosterone and without the Grecian Formula, has likewise never used his genitals to generate a child. According to the latest results from a highly unscientific online poll, 100% of respondents think he’s gay.

Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven has never seen a boy or girl call him “daddy.” The only thing mentioned in the “Personal life” section of his Wikipedia page is that he “enjoys sports.”

I cannot confirm whether or not Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte is gay or not, but look at this picture and tell me he isn’t. What I can confirm is that a woman has never carried his sperm to term.


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