How-To

How to Be Fired

August 22, 2014

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How to Be Fired

So, it looks like I may have been fired from my own company, again. This time it was for not embracing (click “continue”) the idea of turning your genitals inside out. Call me crazy but if post-op transsexuals have such a brutal suicide rate, maybe we shouldn’t do it to children. Is that nuts?

It’s not even the real trannies who are mad. They’re on my side. It’s the fake trannies who want my guts for garter belts. You see, the hot thing with the kids today is pretending you’re transgendered. To mock this is to take away their “me snowflake” status and make them admit they’re just like everybody else. Telling normal people they’re normal is now a hate crime. The government was just kicked off Wikipedia for citing my article. A congressional staffer mentioned it and now they’re considering booting all of congress off of Wikipedia for good. Want to update your constituents on a new bill? Sorry, one person in your building exhibited signs of transphobia.

Anyhoozers, this happens to pretty much everyone. If you’re lucky, you get a good payout. If you’re even luckier, they got the story straight. I don’t know how many of my friends have almost lost their minds after being fired for something that never happened. All it takes is one angry coworker and next thing you know a nonexistent “You” said “nigger” or grabbed someone’s ass.

I’ve been very lucky so far in that I’ve been able to keep my sanity and my savings. I’m also lucky enough to get paid to give you 10 hints on how to handle this when it comes your way.

“It’s like offering your neck to a vampire and telling him he can only put the tips in.”


1. DON’T APOLOGIZE

Apologizing does not satiate the mob. It feeds them. It’s like offering your neck to a vampire and telling him he can only put the tips in. When Brett Ratner apologized for saying “rehearsals are for fags,” they demanded he go on an apology tour around the country. He still lost the Oscars. Seeing grown men cry on TV for saying bad things doesn’t make us feel better. It makes us feel sick.


2. DON’T CRY TO YOUR WIFE

Your wife is not your friend. She’s your business partner at Parent Co. If you want to cry about it, go do it in the shower, you fucking pussy. Your wife needs to know you’re a strong ally who is unflappable and will continue to provide for her and the kids no matter what. If you can hide the whole thing from her, I’d recommend it.


3. DON’T GROW A BEARD

When Conan O’Brien got fired from The Tonight Show he grew a huge beard that made him look like an adolescent Santa. Grooming takes about 30 seconds a day. Are you in such a rush to eat ice cream on the couch and watch a Chris Rock movie you’ve already seen? Stop masturbating, you literal wanker, and get out of those sweatpants. You shouldn’t even own sweatpants.

The first day off the job is your first day on the new job. Call your lawyer. Dust off old offers. Debt collect. Call back all the people you didn’t have time to talk to before. Not working is a full-time job and you need to be hustling from 9 AM on Monday morning until 5 PM Friday evening.


4. DON’T SUCCUMB TO HATRED

I used to like transsexuals but all this bullshit makes me want to kick one of these women in the balls. That’s lame. It’s a self-indulgent emotion that is a total waste of time. Revenge fantasies are for the weak. Besides, “living well is the best revenge.”


5. DON’T BLAME YOUR FRIENDS

My life motto has always been, “I don’t care if you don’t help me, just don’t hinder me.” I know. It’s the least catchy motto of all time. Ayn Rand has said it way better but I like the word “hinder” so fuck you.

When you are banished from the village, your first instinct is to get mad at people for not having your back. That’s gay. They have their own lives and standing by you is not their job. It’s like resenting a groom for not picking you as his best man. Your friends have their own reasons for doing things and unless you’re a sergeant in the army, you can’t make your battles someone else’s duty.


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