Cultural Caviar

First They Came for the Albinos

February 23, 2015

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First They Came for the Albinos

Is there a man among us willing to shed a tear for the poor persecuted albinos of modern East Africa?

No?

Tough crowd.

OK, how about if I were to sketch out a convoluted and highly dubious scenario in which African albinos were the ancient progenitors of modern Caucasians, that they were driven into Europe tens of thousands of years ago as a result of racist persecution from black Africans, and that any resultant pillaging and plundering of Africa by white Europeans can then be justified as payback against our original oppressors?

It’s unlikely, but it’s fun to pretend it’s plausible. It’s fun in the same way that the Solutrean hypothesis is fun—whether or not it’s true, even attempting to argue that the “original” Americans were European rather than Asian subverts the whole Guilt Narrative in a way that confounds, flusters, and befuddles those misguided losers who are always seeking repentance and reparations.

By the same token, arguing that white-skinned Africans were the first large-scale victims of racial persecution in the world—that the original great human exodus from Africa was less a peaceful migration than it was a violent purge of light-skinned undesirables, that it was less “out of Africa” and more “get the hell out of Africa”—gives white people a moral leg up in the stubbornly idiotic game of racial karma and intergenerational guilt-tripping.

“Is there a man among us willing to shed a tear for the poor persecuted albinos of modern East Africa?”

Last Wednesday, Tanzanian police reported that they found the hacked-up body of a year-old male albino. His missing body parts are presumed to have been funneled into a highly lucrative black-magic market where a single albino body can fetch up to $75,000. You see, many Africans—including those well-heeled enough to cough up $75K just for a dead albino—believe that even though albinos themselves are cursed, their body parts can work magical wonders and bring great health, prosperity, success, popularity, sex appeal, and all of the other things that dumb primitive minds who believe in magic always seem to lack.

Estimates vary, but since the year 2000 anywhere from 70-200 albinos have been mercilessly hunted “like animals” and hacked to death in East Africa to fuel this odd and gruesome corpse-grinding market demand. Victims often have their limbs severed while they’re alive due to a superstition that their dead body parts will glow with added mojo if the victim was screaming while they were being slaughtered.

In Zimbabwe, HIV-afflicted men will often rape albino women based on the superstition that it will cure them of their incurable disease.

Far be it from me to ever suggest that such a chokingly thick climate of prehistoric superstition may in some way be related to many of the travails and indignities that persist to this very day in modern Africa. As previously implied, my intention here—however insincere—is not to malign black Africans but instead to instill a sense of kinship, however fraudulent, between white people and albino Africans.

Phenotypically, the most easily targeted “cultural other” on the planet may be the hapless albino stranded somewhere in the malarial backwaters of sub-Saharan Africa. Folkloric traditions teach that albinos are ghosts and therefore less than human. They are “treated like lepers” and routinely pushed to society’s fringes. “Over time, the frustration is so much that it affects you negatively,” one female Zimbabwean albino with an unpronounceable name laments. ‘’If you keep on thinking about what people say about you or do to you, you will have tears on your cheeks forever.”

In a way—and this is rare with me—I can empathize. I’ve always felt sorry for albinos mainly because they’re so goddamned weird-looking that I can’t imagine life is easy for them. And I must seize this opportunity to announce that at various times in my life I have owned records by the white albino Edgar Winter and the black albino Yellowman, so it cannot be said that I’ve ever personally discriminated against an albino, at least not to my recollection—or at least, as memory serves, not when anyone was watching.

I claim no expertise in human migratory patterns over the past 100,000 years or so, which is why I elect to rely entirely on crudely designed black-nationalist websites that argue modern Caucasians are the direct descendants of African albinos. At least that way, no one can accuse me of being a racist.


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