For the Children

Child-Toucher Checklist

May 20, 2016

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Child-Toucher Checklist

Virtuous pedophile” Todd Nickerson is back and he’d like to remind us that although he wants to molest children, he resists, so don’t you dare call him a child molester. Once again, Salon is here to correct our grammar and make sure we don’t offend anyone. You may remember Todd from back in September when he was horrified by the vitriol he received after outing himself as an indignant boil in a piece called “I’m a pedophile, you’re the monsters: my week inside the vile right-wing hate machine.” That “right-wing” part is precisely why Salon keeps giving this guy a platform. They have taken “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” to its furthest extreme and will put absolutely anyone on their team who doesn’t like us. Breitbart’s Milo Yiannopoulos has cited dozens of examples of the type of filth they are willing to tolerate to increase their numbers, including a racist dude named Sarah Nyberg who bragged she’d “probably known 8–12 pedo trannies.” I’m reminded of when Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson was pilloried for saying, “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there.” All right, Todd, now that we’ve reached full morph, let’s continue your careful sorting of the various child predators, starting with the worst, and include the appropriate punishment for each group while we’re at it. You’re right, by the way; you’re not the worst.

(1) CHILD MOLESTERS

These guys are a cinch. As Steven Crowder said, “Touch a kid sexually, you deserve a bullet.” Even criminals know this. In fact, the guys in the joint seem better at doling out justice to child molesters than the justice system is. If you are unable to facilitate executing a child molester, put him in a maximum-security prison and tell a few of the guards what he’s in for. The problem will work itself out.

(2) PEDOPHILES

Todd claims he’s not a monster because there are no victims, but I ain’t buying it. He has admitted he looks after a 5-year-old girl who is “precocious” and “independent” (blech). When asked if he was grooming her, he claimed, “Grooming seems a bit strong. I do occasionally brush the hair out of her eyes, but honestly, if I tried to run a brush through her hair and snagged a rat, she’d probably deck me. K is feisty that way.” Are you puking yet? Who the hell is letting this guy babysit their kid? Even if they don’t know his predilections, he’s a dude. Trust your instincts, Mom. It’s like the Muslim in Moscow who beheaded that toddler (for which she will not be punished). Who saw this nanny in Muslim garb at the interview and thought, “I’ll risk it”?

Todd claims society’s views on his sexuality are the only thing preventing him from acting on it, but I’m scared society isn’t too far behind. There is a gigantic 6-year-old girl named Stefonknee who was fucked by her adoptive parents and enjoyed it so much she thought she might get pregnant. This is impossible because Stefonknee is a divorced father of seven (I heard him describe the sex act on a podcast, which has since been taken down). If it’s okay to have sex with this man and we also believe he is a 6-year-old girl, what’s to prevent Nickerson and “K” from getting together? Sorry, Todd, you may not be getting a bullet just yet, but taking babysitting jobs doesn’t bode well, so “banished from the village forever” it is, bye!

“The guys in the joint seem better at doling out justice to child molesters than the justice system is.”

(3A) PERVERTED GAYS (STRAIGHT VICTIMS)

Back in April, MSNBC’s Chris Hayes said, “Somewhat amazed that ‘Longest Serving Republican Speaker Of The House In History Turns Out To Be A Child Molester’ isn’t a bigger story.” He was talking about a perverted gay named Dennis Hastert who is said to have molested at least four teenage boys back when he was a wrestling coach. I was somewhat amazed Hayes didn’t make a big story about “Guy Behind Trans Bathroom Agenda Turns Out To Be A Child Molester.” LGBT Chamber president Chad Sevearance-Turner fondled a 15-year-old boy when he was 20 and he’s also the guy who wants men who identify as women to be allowed in the bathroom with your daughter. At MSNBC, Republicans are child molesters, while LGBT members who do the same are simply not talked about in polite company.

Which brings us to another group of perverted gays, the so-called pedophile priests. Though the left likes to portray the Catholic Church as a gigantic child-molester convention, the cases they’re talking about tend to be postpubescent teens. In other words, they’re not pedophiles, they’re perverted gays. When you remove this group from the equation they tend to molest boys in roughly the same number men molest boys in the general population, which is to say incredibly rarely. Thomas Plante’s books document these cases well and point out that this horrible time is mostly delegated to the ’60s and ’70s when the clergy was considered a gay solution. I’m no fan of any gay pervert, but the left should know that this type of Catholic priest bashing is a form of gay bashing. Hastert, Sevearance-Turner, and the priests of the ’70s are all in the same boat, and it’s full of seamen.

(3B) PERVERTED GAYS (GAY VICTIMS)

When Galen Baughman was 19, he was sentenced to over six years for allowing a gay 14-year-old to blow him. Galen ended up with nine years and about half of them were in solitary confinement. I know Galen and told him I would have kicked the living shit out of him if I had a gay teenage son and they got together at that age. His response was “Beats nine years.” (Recently, Galen has been sent back to jail for violating his parole by texting a 16-year-old. I haven’t gotten the whole story yet but it doesn’t look good.)

By insisting that everyone is exactly the same, the egalitarians are once again hurting the people they purport to help. A young girl’s chastity is far more valuable than a young gay’s. The gay kid Galen was with will go on to have hundreds and hundreds of other gay partners. This is perfectly normal for them. Though feminists want to make this normal behavior for women, it’s not. When slut walks become whore marathons, women become miserable.

I’ll never forget having a conversation with gay author Bruce Benderson, who was describing a trip to Montreal where they were inundated with teen boy toys called “twinks” who were looking to exchange sex for clothes and other favors. Quebec is sex-positive to a fault and even a decadent fag like Bruce found it a bit much. Should a gay 21-year-old face prison for having consensual sex with a twink? No. He should be told to fuck off.

(4) STRAIGHT MALE PERVERTS

In New York State, third-degree rape is when a person over the age of 21 has sex with someone under 17. It can be as consensual as all get-out but unless he was duped, he’s looking at prison. If the teen is female and the adult is male, this law fits perfectly. In fact, I think this is exactly what they had in mind when the law was written. If a teacher has sex with his student, this seems particularly egregious and the father of the girl should get some time in the parking lot before we send him off.

At the other end of this perp spectrum we have the sad losers who get trolled by the show To Catch a Predator. They weren’t going to screw a teenage girl. They were going to screw a teenage girl with the mind of a 45-year-old troll who was talking dirty to them on the Internet and begging for anal even after seeing his picture. That’s a fictional character, a sick and twisted unicorn. I still want these guys prosecuted, but you’ll notice there’s no father to take him out to the parking lot first because there’s no real victim. Chris Hansen can pretend he’s getting “child molesters” off the street, but all he does is leave Porsches in the hood with the keys in them. You’re not preventing car thieves. You’re dragging a cheap lure across the lake until some pathetic retard of a fish bites. Of all the punishments doled out here, this one is the least fun.