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A Dozen Unlikely Assholes

February 15, 2013

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A Dozen Unlikely Assholes

The biggest misconception about so-called “assholes” is that they’re total assholes. I know a lot of them and though they don’t suffer fools gladly, they will defend to the death your right to be foolish. Maybe that’s why they’re so grumpy. They’re always prepared to fight.

Nice people, on the other hand, are dicks. The most dangerous people out there are the ones pretending to be nice. They’re fakes and will happily stab you in the back if it helps their cause.

I’m actually drawn to jerks more than to nice people because, as Malcolm X once said, smiling foxes are more dangerous than growling wolves. Here are a dozen other animals to avoid.

1. KOALA BEARS
Cute? Yeah, cute my ass. My ass is cuter and I’m a 42-year-old man with hemorrhoids. Koala bears put the “cut” in cute and will happily turn your face into Venetian blinds if you get too close. They bite without a second thought, will give chase when you run, have razor blades for fingertips, and are constantly tripping balls on eucalyptus.

2. BLIND PEOPLE
I don’t actually know any blind people because they’re very antisocial, but my dad told me he used to work at a hotel and everyone would try to avoid the shift when the blind groups were in town. Apparently, they walk in demanding special treatment and don’t stop punishing the staff until they’re on their way back out the door. Conversely, deaf people are much cheerier and don’t ask anyone for anything. They don’t even want a cure!

“The most dangerous people out there are the ones pretending to be nice.”

3. HANDICAPPED SKIERS
Speaking of the differently abled, have you ever skied past a person with no legs? No, you haven’t because these guys go so fast it’s retarded. Paralyzed skiers are bursting with pent-up transportation envy. So when they finally get into a situation where they can go faster than we can, they sear down the slopes like they’ve been shot out of a cannon. I wouldn’t be surprised if their reckless disregard for our safety was rooted in the desire to create more handicapped people.

4. GREEKS
Though our bosses Taki and Mandolyna are wonderful people, the rest of that entire country is Jerk Central. As far as they’re concerned, they invented democracy and philosophy and therefore the Western world wouldn’t exist without their wonderful culture. (As the movie Ghost World pointed out, they also invented homos.) This arrogance means they can’t stand losing and if you get into a fight in Greece, the guy will run home and get a dozen of his cousins to show up on scooters and put you into a coma. Their county went broke because they think they deserve free money and now that they’re all leaving, they clog the airports with ridiculous seating demands and almost always butt in line.

5. DIANA ROSS
She’s probably dead now, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid her grave or anywhere else her ghost might be haunting. I have it on good authority that Ross was a brutal tyrant who had temper tantrums every ten minutes and forbade staff from looking her in the eye. She loved her booze almost as much as her pills and although she started out a strong African American female, today she will strangle you if you insinuate she might be black (at least that’s what a guy who worked for her told me).

6. HOMESCHOOLERS
As we just learned from Chris Dorner’s charred body, you can run but you can’t hide. People who homeschool are under the impression that society is too evil for them to join and the antisocial lifestyle that homeschooling encourages is way better than the (admittedly terrible) public schools. I’d argue the new society they create is far worse. Kids who have been homeschooled play with wooden racecars and carry irritating homemade toys like a wand made from a painted stick. I find it disturbing the way a home-schooled 10-year-old talks to me about my job like I’m his peer. Their parents go way past annoying and into downright confrontational. They assume your daughter is playing with dolls and your son is dressed as Wolverine because you forced them to. Yeah, bitch, my daughter hates the idea of being worshiped as the most wonderful and beautiful woman in all the land and my son has no reason to want to have adamantium claws for hands. Join the real world, you pretentious geeks; an atomic wedgie does a body good.


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