How-To

15 Myths Millennials Accept as Fact

June 13, 2014

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15 Myths Millennials Accept as Fact

Last week an everyday group of anti-gun nuts called Everytown published data that claimed there have been 74 school shootings since Sandy Hook. Most of us went, “No there haven’t,” because we’ve only read about a few. The president apparently does not have access to Google, because he ran straight to the papers and bleated, “There’s no developed country on earth that would put up with this. And it happens now once a week … We should be ashamed.” He’s accidentally right. We should be ashamed of these shootings. Gang violence among black youth is totally out of control and the lack of fathers has to be a factor. That’s obviously not the narrative he was going for, however. He was more likely going for the same old “evil, white, American patriarchy” garbage we were all taught in school.

So let’s take a step back and explain to children and the president of the United States that most of the truths they take for granted are completely false. For example …


1. THIS COUNTRY WAS STOLEN FROM THE INDIANS

We fought them for 400 years. They fought against us, alongside us, and behind us. Before we got here they were fighting each other, and yes, it was savage. War Before Civilization: The Myth of the Peaceful Savage describes horrific mass graves from way before we got here. Indians used to shoot arrows into their victims for hours after the guy died so he’d be fucked in the afterlife. The smallpox blankets were likely a myth. The worst we behaved was probably Wounded Knee but the reason everyone knows about it is because it was meticulously documented by outraged whites who were—and still are—disgusted by our behavior there.

“This country was built on legal immigration, and the ones who made it through learned the language and assimilated. … Today’s scenario is 15 million illegals ridiculing those of us who played by the rules.”


2. WE ARE A NATION OF IMMIGRANTS

No, we’re not. We’re a nation of citizens. This country was built on legal immigration, and the ones who made it through learned the language and assimilated. Many didn’t get in. Today’s scenario is 15 million illegals ridiculing those of us who played by the rules. My green card took 15 years to get and I brought a ton of jobs with me. The Statue of Liberty doesn’t say “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and all their relatives.” 

Oh, and don’t give me that old “They’re doing jobs Americans won’t do” line. They’re doing jobs Americans won’t do—for that price. In Canada, there are no Mexicans and the landscaping still gets done. We use teenagers.


3. THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON SLAVERY

Yeesh, this old trope. Some rich Southerners had slaves. Then there was a civil war and America’s bank account dropped to zero. After that the country was rebuilt from scratch without slavery. As Pat Buchanan put it, we didn’t start slavery. We ended it. And don’t get me started on reparations. We’ve already paid them.


4. AMERICA IS RACIST

I’ve already gone through this. I highly recommend you cut out this monitoring hate speech crap. I’m warning you, you’re going to end up censoring the people you’re trying to protect. Studies show that white people are actually the least racist group. Getting rid of all the racists would mean America would be almost all white. Therefore, fighting racism is racist.


5. BLACK YOUTH ARE TARGETED BY WHITE MEN

Zimmerman was a statistical anomaly but that didn’t stop everyone and their dog from wearing a hooded sweatshirt and Tweeting all about it. Black youth are in danger but it’s not Jews from Peru who are killing them.


6. WOMEN MAKE LESS THAN MEN

Obama Tweeted this old wives’ tale recently. Does anyone in the White House have a fucking computer? Women choose to make less than men because they’d rather be at their daughter’s piano recital than stay at the office all night working on a proposal. When they don’t have kids, they actually make more than men. If women were cheaper labor, we’d hire them as often as we hire illegal aliens.

On The Independents recently, Jill Filipovic told me that resumes with female names do worse than the same ones with male names. I’m willing to accept that, but it’s not prejudice. It’s postjudice. Employers have noticed their male employees are more likely to stay at the office all night working, even when their daughter does have a piano recital.


7. PRO-LIFERS ARE SEXIST

Most women are pro-life. To ignore their rights while touting abortion is sexist. Also, gender-based abortion is becoming more popular. We’ve seen how that goes for women in China. It ain’t pretty. So stop using abortion rights as some kind of proof there’s a war on women when the opposite is true.



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