The Week’s Most Preening, Demeaning, and Halloweening Headlines HEAVY ARTERIAL BOMBARDMENT Nobody’s saying 550-pound BLM activist Zyahna Bryant is fat, but... George Floyd ...

The Week’s Most Lying, Trying, and Pumpkin-Buying Headlines SNOW WHITEFISH In the Brothers Grimm fairy tale “The Jew in Thorns,” a young servant feeds a starving dwarf, who ...

The Week’s Most Kinetic, Frenetic, and Poetic Headlines FRIENDLY SERVICE WITH A HEIL A Nazi in uniform walks into a taco joint in Texas. He sits at a table. Confused and ...

The Week’s Most Biting, Alighting, and GOP-Infighting Headlines THE PUDSUCKER PROXY A Gavin Newsom/Dianne Feinstein duet: Feinstein: Don’t cry for me, California! Ché ...

The Week’s Most Jesting, Besting, and Oktoberfesting Headlines ALL HEBREWS’ EVE With October upon us, it’s a good time to salute an unsung hero of Halloween: Paul Rebalde ...

The Week’s Most Bummer, Mummer, and Farewell to Summer Headlines SAGGY ASSES The actors’ strike marches on! Well, limps. The war between streamers and studios on one side ...

The Week’s Most Fazing, Gazing, and High Holy Dazing Headlines OLD SMELLER When the Japanese lunatic who bought a lifelike “human dog” costume tells the NY Post that he ...

The Week’s Most Drooling, Tooling, and Back-to-Schooling Headlines KAMI-KAMI-KAMI-KAMIKAZE CHAMELEON In the Philippines, September 3rd is known as Yamashita Surrender Day, ...

The Week’s Most Sabering, Neighboring, and Day-of-Laboring Headlines 2023: A SPICE ODYSSEY A prehistoric veldt in South Asia. Members of a hairy, knuckle-walking Paleolithic ...

The Week’s Most Lurkin’, Twerkin’, and Jerkin’ Headlines MAKE THAT 86,999 As Sen. Joe Manchin—a.k.a. “the kid from Deliverance with a super PAC”—mulls his ...

The Week’s Most Tiring, Inspiring, and Wildfiring Headlines AUTISTINIAN PRIVILEGE Could this be the end of “cancel culture”? For one lucky fella, apparently so. HuffPost ...

The Week’s Most Fissioned, Partitioned, and Air-Conditioned Headlines TURBAN BLIGHT Don’t know much about history, Don’t know much of Indira Gandhi, Don’t know what ...

The Week’s Most Spaying, Splaying, and Enola Gaying Headlines GOO GOO G’JEWB When Fran Drescher was elected president of SAG-AFTRA, it was only because people with more ...

The Week’s Most Lean, Mean, and Augustine Headlines WELL, BLOW ME DOWNTOWN June 2021, Downtown L.A.—A Mexican had been stockpiling illegal fireworks (the only thing Mexis ...

The Week’s Most Spiking, Striking, and Skirt-Hiking Headlines NONTRANSFERABLE NON-SKILLS The Writers Guild strike is like a Rocky IV alternate ending. Drago says, “I must ...

The Week’s Most Knowing, Crowing, and Beachgoing Headlines WILLY WONKKKA Last week the trailer for the new Willy Wonka prequel had its world premiere. Wonka stars delicate ...