The Week’s Most Pornographic, Typographic, and Demographic Headlines NEVADA VOTERS ELECT DEAD PIMP As the proprietor of Nevada’s Moonlite Bunnyranch and six other legal ...

The Week’s Slimiest, Grimiest, and Hymiest Headlines MICHAEL MOORE: STILL WHITE, ANGRY, AND FAT Michael Moore is the most successful white lesbian documentarian of all time. ...

The Week’s Most Squirmy, Wormy, and Germy Headlines SINEAD O’CONNOR IS NOW ISLAM’S PROBLEM Sinead O’Connor is a mentally ill bag o’ postmenopausal bones whose ...

The Week’s Most Frenetic, Splenetic, and Apathetic Headlines ELIZABETH WARREN PROVES THAT RACE IS MORE THAN A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT By releasing her DNA results in order to claim ...

The Week’s Most Uxurious, Notorious, and Vainglorious Headlines IS HILLARY CLINTON PLOTTING A HOMICIDAL LEFTIST TAKEOVER? Although we cannot verify it, we suspect that ...

The Week’s Jazziest, Snazziest, and Spazziest Headlines KAVANAUGH CONFIRMED TO SUPREME COURT Despite the frenzied efforts of the Histrionic Left over the past few weeks to ...

COLLEGE PROGRAMS TEACH MEN TO BE LESS MANLY We live in a world where men, especially white men, feel as if they are entitled to just walk into any McDonald’s or Burger King and ...

The Week’s Most Mundane, Inane, and Arcane Headlines TWICE AS MANY ILLEGALS IN USA AS PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT For the longest time—almost since Speedy Gonzales and the Frito ...

The Week’s Most Terse, Diverse, and Perverse Headlines TUCKER CARLSON QUESTIONS DIVERSITY Anyone who understands what words mean realizes that diversity doesn’t signify ...

The Week’s Most Lyrical, Empirical, and Satirical Headlines SAUDIS BAN ONLINE SATIRE Saudi Arabia is a proud and noble kingdom known for throwing homosexuals from rooftops, ...

The Week’s Most Psychotic, Despotic, and Quixotic Headlines U.N. URGES FACEBOOK TO FIGHT “HATE SPEECH” The United Nations was founded after a bad man with an evil ...

The Week’s Most Informal, Abnormal, and Paranormal Headlines MIAMI HERALD ENDORSES CANDIDATE WHO SAYS SHE WAS ABDUCTED BY NORDIC SPACE ALIENS Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera is a ...

The Week’s Most Captivating, Titillating, and Nauseating Headlines ARGUMENT OVER “QUEEN OF SOUL” LEADS TO SHOOTING Aretha Franklin passed into the giant donut shop in ...

The Week’s Dumbest, Numbest, and Glummest Headlines TRUMP KEEPS CALLING PEOPLE DUMB It has been firmly established beyond the mildest whisper of a doubt that Donald Trump is the ...

The Week’s Most Kissable, Transmissible, and Impermissible Headlines “PROUD BOYS” FALSELY DRAGGED INTO OAKLAND STABBING MURDER Last Sunday night in Oakland, an 18-year-old ...

The Week’s Skankiest, Wankiest, and Crankiest Headlines ILLEGAL ALIEN, DEPORTED 11 TIMES, ACCUSED OF ATTACKING WIFE WITH A CHAINSAW (We would first like to apologize for ...