The Week’s Most Retarded, Discarded, and Disregarded Headlines OPPRESSION THROUGH DODGEBALL, REDEMPTION THROUGH YOGA It’s highly likely that you are entirely unaware that ...

The Week’s Most Acidic, Hasidic, and Druidic Headlines NEW YORK STATE GIVES FREE VIAGRA TO SEX OFFENDERS If you are a convicted rapist living in New York State who’s ...

The Week’s Wormiest, Germiest, and Spermiest Headlines JOHN CLEESE SAYS LONDON IS NO LONGER AN ENGLISH CITY Like everyone who states the obvious these days, Monty Python ...

The Week’s Most Busted, Disgusted, and Maladjusted Headlines PICKUP ARTIST SWALLOWS THE “GOD PILL” Daryush Valizadeh—don’t ask us to pronounce it, because we ...

The Week’s Most Global, Immobile, and Ignoble Headlines YOUTUBE’S 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL COMEDIC GENIUS TAUNTS YOUTUBE EXEC If BuzzFeed’s supremely wormy Joseph Bernstein ...

The Week’s Most Curious, Furious, and Spurious Headlines LAURA LOOMER CRIES SO HARD ABOUT HER SOCIAL-MEDIA BAN, HER NEW NOSE ALMOST FALLS OFF Whiny Alt-Lite yenta Laura ...

The Week’s Most Dissipated, Obliterated, and Eviscerated Headlines GEORGE WASHINGTON MURAL TRAUMATIZES STUDENTS Nonwhite children at George Washington High School in San ...

The Week’s Most Perverted, Diverted, and Disconcerted Headlines SPORTS TEAMS BAN KATE SMITH FOR “PICKANINNY” AND “DARKIES” SONGS Kate Smith was a fat white woman ...

The Week’s Most Defamatory, Inflammatory, and Confirmatory Headlines IS FRANCE BURNING? One needed the sentience of a rock to be able to ignore the deep symbolism behind the ...

The Week’s Stingiest, Mingiest, and Whingiest Headlines JULIAN ASSANGE ARRESTED Master hacker and exotic dancer Julian Assange has been holed up in London’s Ecuadorian ...

The Week’s Most Wheezing, Teasing, and Displeasing Headlines AMERICA LOSES ITS RELIGION According to the recently released General Social Survey, Americans who identify with ...

The Week’s Most Screwy, Gooey, and Jewy Headlines BLACK/GAY/JEWISH HATE-CRIME HOAXER WALKS FREE Just when you thought the arc of the moral universe was bending toward ...

The Week’s Most Grueling, Mewling, and Befooling Headlines TROUBLE AT THE POVERTY PALACE The Southern Poverty Law Center is misnamed for the following reasons: 1) ...

The Week’s Most Bathetic, Emetic, and Splenetic Headlines AS YOUNG AMERICANS EMBRACE SOCIALISM, BERNIE SANDERS WALKS INTO A GLASS SHOWER DOOR, REQUIRING STITCHES An ...

The Week’s Most Divided, Misguided, and Lopsided Headlines BIDEN’S PAST BITES HIM IN THE ASS Joe Biden is an unnecessary politician from an unnecessary place named ...

The Week’s Sleepiest, Weepiest, and Creepiest Headlines TAKE AMERICA’S HATS AGAIN In a national epidemic of “soft lynching” that seems designed to degrade and ...