The Week’s Sickest, Slickest, and Thickest Headlines SEXUAL PSYCHOPATH JEFFREY EPSTEIN WANTS TO SEED THE PLANET WITH HIS JIZZ According to songwriter Burt Bacharach, what the ...

The Week’s Most Addictive, Constrictive, and Vindictive Headlines FEMALE POLITICIAN’S HATE-CRIME HOAX UNRAVELS QUICKER THAN SHE CAN SCREAM, “RACIST!!!” Erica Thomas is an ...

The Week’s Most Quixotic, Sclerotic, and Unpatriotic Headlines FACEBOOK BANS VIOLENT THREATS UNLESS THE TARGET IS “DANGEROUS” Because violence isn’t violence so long as ...

The Week’s Most Chancrous, Rancorous, and Cantankerous Headlines BETSY ROSS DOES NOT REFLECT AMERICA’S VALUES When he isn’t failing as a professional quarterback, the ...

The Week’s Most Foolish, Ghoulish, and Mulish Headlines PUTIN SAYS LIBERALISM IS OBSOLETE There is absolutely no debate that Vladimir Putin is one of the world’s sexiest men, ...

The Week’s Faggiest, Saggiest, and Naggiest Headlines OH, PLEASE, NOT THIS “REPARATIONS” NONSENSE AGAIN! Since the word “reparations” is derived from the word ...

The Week’s Most Retarded, Discarded, and Disregarded Headlines OPPRESSION THROUGH DODGEBALL, REDEMPTION THROUGH YOGA It’s highly likely that you are entirely unaware that ...

The Week’s Most Acidic, Hasidic, and Druidic Headlines NEW YORK STATE GIVES FREE VIAGRA TO SEX OFFENDERS If you are a convicted rapist living in New York State who’s ...

The Week’s Wormiest, Germiest, and Spermiest Headlines JOHN CLEESE SAYS LONDON IS NO LONGER AN ENGLISH CITY Like everyone who states the obvious these days, Monty Python ...

The Week’s Most Busted, Disgusted, and Maladjusted Headlines PICKUP ARTIST SWALLOWS THE “GOD PILL” Daryush Valizadeh—don’t ask us to pronounce it, because we ...

The Week’s Most Global, Immobile, and Ignoble Headlines YOUTUBE’S 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL COMEDIC GENIUS TAUNTS YOUTUBE EXEC If BuzzFeed’s supremely wormy Joseph Bernstein ...

The Week’s Most Curious, Furious, and Spurious Headlines LAURA LOOMER CRIES SO HARD ABOUT HER SOCIAL-MEDIA BAN, HER NEW NOSE ALMOST FALLS OFF Whiny Alt-Lite yenta Laura ...

The Week’s Most Dissipated, Obliterated, and Eviscerated Headlines GEORGE WASHINGTON MURAL TRAUMATIZES STUDENTS Nonwhite children at George Washington High School in San ...

The Week’s Most Perverted, Diverted, and Disconcerted Headlines SPORTS TEAMS BAN KATE SMITH FOR “PICKANINNY” AND “DARKIES” SONGS Kate Smith was a fat white woman ...

The Week’s Most Defamatory, Inflammatory, and Confirmatory Headlines IS FRANCE BURNING? One needed the sentience of a rock to be able to ignore the deep symbolism behind the ...

The Week’s Stingiest, Mingiest, and Whingiest Headlines JULIAN ASSANGE ARRESTED Master hacker and exotic dancer Julian Assange has been holed up in London’s Ecuadorian ...