I asked my dad what he wanted for Father’s Day, and like all dads who never abandoned their children he said, “Nothing.” I insisted he must want something and he said, “I would be content in an abyss” before adding, “if there was a chair there, that would be great. If there was a ...
Dear Men Who Send Dick Shots to Women, Women do not want to see your dick. They aren’t interested in your abs, and they don’t care how much weight you lost. Men get dumped for partying too much or cheating or being devoid of ambition. “He was too fat” or “His chest was too hairy” has ...
Ever hang out with an old dude? They’re pretty great. They’re not self-obsessed the way boomers are. They’re not “over it” the way Generation X is, and they’re not completely tuned-out like the kids today. Here are ten more great things about them: 1. THEY FOUGHT IN A WAR WWII and ...
College kids go through a strange phase where they decide it would be prudent to hang out with a hobo. Sometimes the kid is at the cheapest bar in town and he’s hammered enough to chat it up with a group of vagrants toward whom he wouldn’t normally have the balls to say “Hi.” Sometimes ...
Like firing a fetus from a slingshot, feminism catapulted women out of the kitchen and onto the streets, where they were invited to do anything a man can do"but better. This was a blessing for the few women meant to lead a man's life, but for the vast majority of womankind, it was like that ...
While getting drunk last night, I noticed a young man had plonked his sports bottle down on the bar like it was a gun and we were in the Wild West. I asked him what the fuck was up with that, and he explained he"d brought it with him to stay hydrated. "What you"re carrying is pussy ...
I looked out my bedroom window last night and saw Will Smith stepping into a 1967 Ford Galaxie. He was leaving the old-timey diner across the street with Tommy Lee Jones because they were shooting scenes for the upcoming Men in Black sequel. For three days our entire street has been lined with ...
As someone who just handed his memoirs to Simon & Schuster, I am very sensitive about the concept of fake stories. For example, after writing about a threesome I was sure had taken place in 2002, I remembered that Finding Nemo was playing in the background when it happened, and that movie ...
"Let's put it this way," says the uneducated liberal with the nursery-school analogies, "if Tommy has ten building blocks and Joey only has two, wouldn"t it make sense to give Joey a block or two?" Sure, if Tommy hadn"t built those blocks with his bare hands and if Joey ...
Sexual-harassment lawsuits began in the mid-1970s but really gained momentum in the politically correct 90s when radical feminism helped expand the definition of "rape" to include "anything that makes a woman unhappy." Women were given prejudicial consideration in these cases and ...
