As I type these words, Californians are under a mandatory “stay at home” edict issued by the Patrick Bateman cosplayer in our statehouse. Any Californian caught leaving his, her, its, or zir home for “nonessential” reasons is subject to fine or imprisonment. Yes, the state that removed ...
Dear Coronavirus, If you can spare a few minutes from killing Chinese and the elderly, could you please have a go at the morons in my neighborhood who were swarming the grocery store at 6 a.m. yesterday cleaning out the toilet paper and water? If you could thin that herd, I’d greatly appreciate ...
“Get big money out of politics.” So screams Bernie Sanders’ campaign website. Elizabeth Warren has her own iteration of the phrase, as have many politicians, even some Republicans. But as worrisome as “Big Money” can be in American politics, I’m a bit more concerned about “Big ...
Excuse me, but I was promised concentration camps. In 2016, leftists told us that Trump, if elected, would build a network of Nazi death camps. And what did we get instead? A few measly “kids in cages.” Worse, those damn border detention center cages aren’t even Trump’s; they’re ...
Man, have we got a bunch of dullards on the “mainstream” right. Michael Bloomberg’s old speeches and interviews about the realities of race, crime, and law enforcement are spot-on. And how do our Conservative Inc. mouthpieces respond? They join forces with Black Lives Matter to scream, ...
This is not going to be another coronavirus column. Yes, the disease we’ve been saddled with thanks to the Dagwood Bumsteads of China will make an appearance later on. But let’s start by rolling the clock back—way back—to a time long past, a disease long forgotten, and a lesson about ...
When did we become so deathly afraid of speech? And why is it oddly appropriate that the recent 75th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz coincides with ramped-up efforts to curb free-speech rights in the U.S.? Let’s use a fake Indian as a scout to begin our journey toward the ...
There’s a quote I’m sure you’ve heard, and it’s usually attributed to Einstein (although he was far from the first to say it, and even he said it different ways at different times): “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought. I know only this: World War IV will be fought ...
I’ll begin this week’s sermon, I mean column, with the Parable of the Hemorrhaging Mexican Whore. I used to have this friend—I won’t say his name because he’s an actor and you’d know him—who loved driving down to Tijuana to avail himself of the brothels. Man oh man, did this guy love ...
As the Jewish kid strolled up my walkway and slipped a flyer under my door, I had two thoughts: This is gonna be trouble, and I really need to get that gap under my door fixed. The flyer informed me that I had just been liberated from the oppression of my neighborhood’s zoning regulations. I ...
