The Week’s Most Flocking, Mocking, and Turn-Back-the-Clocking Headlines URINE FOR A TREAT! The gig-economy food delivery industry is just one “Professor Cumcookies” away from a reckoning. He was the L.A. teachers’ union perv (Weingarten-approved!) who brought cookies for his elementary ...
The Week’s Most Preening, Demeaning, and Halloweening Headlines HEAVY ARTERIAL BOMBARDMENT Nobody’s saying 550-pound BLM activist Zyahna Bryant is fat, but... George Floyd died because she inhaled in front of him and depleted all the oxygen for five square blocks. The Libyan flood happened ...
The Week’s Most Lying, Trying, and Pumpkin-Buying Headlines SNOW WHITEFISH In the Brothers Grimm fairy tale “The Jew in Thorns,” a young servant feeds a starving dwarf, who turns out to be a leprechaun (or the German equivalent: Christoph Waltz) who grants the servant three wishes. The ...
The Week’s Most Kinetic, Frenetic, and Poetic Headlines FRIENDLY SERVICE WITH A HEIL A Nazi in uniform walks into a taco joint in Texas. He sits at a table. Confused and nervous, the waiter scurries into the back office to talk to the owner. “Hey, Gustavo,” he says, “a Nazi just walked ...
The Week’s Most Biting, Alighting, and GOP-Infighting Headlines THE PUDSUCKER PROXY A Gavin Newsom/Dianne Feinstein duet: Feinstein: Don’t cry for me, California! Ché Gavara: You were supposed to have been immortal! That’s all I wanted, not much to ask for. Feinstein: Now keep your ...
The Week’s Most Jesting, Besting, and Oktoberfesting Headlines ALL HEBREWS’ EVE With October upon us, it’s a good time to salute an unsung hero of Halloween: Paul Rebalde Brooks. In October 1986, the actor-of-color took a job at Universal Studios, which was debuting a new event, “Halloween ...
The Week’s Most Bummer, Mummer, and Farewell to Summer Headlines SAGGY ASSES The actors’ strike marches on! Well, limps. The war between streamers and studios on one side and actors on the other has entered a new phase. As union members go broke, SAG decided last week to hold an auction to ...
The Week’s Most Fazing, Gazing, and High Holy Dazing Headlines OLD SMELLER When the Japanese lunatic who bought a lifelike “human dog” costume tells the NY Post that he wants to mate with a female dog and become a movie star, and that’s not the most absurd “dog of the week” story, you ...
The Week’s Most Drooling, Tooling, and Back-to-Schooling Headlines KAMI-KAMI-KAMI-KAMIKAZE CHAMELEON In the Philippines, September 3rd is known as Yamashita Surrender Day, marking the moment the war formally ended in that nation in 1945 with the capitulation of Japanese General Tomoyuki ...
The Week’s Most Sabering, Neighboring, and Day-of-Laboring Headlines 2023: A SPICE ODYSSEY A prehistoric veldt in South Asia. Members of a hairy, knuckle-walking Paleolithic cavemen tribe stare quizzically at a large black monolith. Grunting, screeching, and flinging poo, they hesitantly ...
