The Week’s Muddiest, Cruddiest, and Bloodiest Headlines HILLARY CLINTON: STILL FALLING, STILL CAN’T GET UP As everyone who isn’t an incorrigible, woman-hating, minority-lynching bigot knows, Hillary Clinton was the most qualified candidate ever to run for office, and the only reason she ...
The Week’s Loopiest, Droopiest, and Poopiest Headlines REFUSING TO DISAVOW FARRAKHAN Born Louis Eugene Walcott 84 years ago in the Bronx, the man known and beloved by millions of Americans as Louis Farrakhan just can’t keep his hi-yella yap shut about Jews. You’d figure that after blaming ...
The Week’s Thickest, Slickest, and Sickest Headlines SOUTH AFRICA TO WHITE FARMERS: SHUT UP AND GIVE US YOUR LAND South Africa is a magical land of nonpareil beauty with extremely high rates of murder, wealth inequality, and HIV infection. For a long time it was ruled by evil white males until a ...
The Week’s Most Inveterate, Degenerate, and Confederate Headlines CONFEDERATE FLAG SPOTTED IN SEATTLE! The Pacific Northwest is an extremely white area of the USA that has extreme problems with its extreme whiteness. They treat their five or ten black people up there as exotic pets and suffer ...
The Week’s Most Resistant, Persistent, and Inconsistent Headlines MINNESOTA SCHOOLS KILL “MOCKINGBIRD” If you—that’s right, YOU—living there in your institutionally racist bubble of marshmallowy white privilege—were under the impression that Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn and Harper ...
The Week’s Wispiest, Crispiest, and Lispiest Headlines TRUDEAU VS. MANKIND At the present moment Justin Trudeau is the prime minister of Canada, a frozen block of ice that exists for no other reason than to be jealous of the United States. Clad in a pink shirt and waving a rainbow flag, Trudeau ...
The Week’s Most Mental, Ungentle, and Judgmental Headlines RAPING ANN COULTER LIVE AND ON TELEVISION The main problem with modern TV crime dramas is that in their allegedly noble quest to confront gritty realities, they tiptoe around uncomfortable statistical realities regarding race and crime. A ...
The Week’s Most Clickable, Kickable, and Despicable Headlines MEATHEAD CALLS FOR SECOND CIVIL WAR Rob Reiner is a rotund and fundamentally charmless man who’d likely be a Certified Public Accountant if his father hadn’t been famous. He first gained fame as the defiant son-in-law of Archie ...
The Week’s Most Cuckoo, Voodoo, and Taboo Headlines THE DEATH OF ITALY? The Roman Empire was perhaps the mightiest in world history—that is, until it became so overburdened with a “migrant crisis” that it collapsed. And now it seems as if Italy, the greatest living remnant of the Roman ...
The Week’s Funkiest, Junkiest, and Monkeyist Headlines OPRAH FOR PRESIDENT! Oprah Winfrey is loved across the globe for being the fattest black female billionaire in world history, and for that, she deserves to be worshiped! Most people know her for making film history after becoming the ...
