The Week’s Most Sciatic, Rheumatic, and Olympiadic Headlines THE LONG HOT SUMMER GAMES In the immortal words of Orson Welles, “Muah-ha-ha the French.” Arrogant when they should be humble (rude to tourists for no reason), humble when they should be arrogant (surrendering their nation to ...
The Week’s Most Sheltering, Peltering, and Sweltering Headlines HONEST GAYBE The problem with declaring everyone gay is that eventually you run out of heroes to spotlight because gay stops being special. Ever since LGBTOs (“BTO” because “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” is the anthem of ...
The Week’s Most Supping, Cupping, and Surf’s-Upping Headlines ALOUWITLESS, GENTILE ALOUWITLESS The French word for “wave” is “vague,” from the Latin vagus, which means “uncertain” and “wandering.” And the French decided to apply it to crashing tides, which are neither ...
The Week’s Most Griping, Piping, and Stars-and-Striping Headlines SILENCE VOW? AUDIENCE SAYS “WOW!” Last week A Quiet Place: Day One landed a franchise-high opening box-office tally of $114 million. The Quiet Place saga is set in a dysgenic earth ruled by blind, flightless space pterodactyls ...
The Week’s Most Blazing, Crazing, and Dog-Dazing Headlines JUDGE FUDGE 1992’s The Distinguished Gentleman starred Eddie Murphy as a jive-talkin’ brutha who impersonates a deceased congressman, and 2003’s Head of State starred Chris Rock as a jive-talkin’ brutha who becomes president when ...
The Week’s Most Bacterial, Venereal, and Juneteenth Funereal Headlines MR. FREEZE MEETS MR. FRIES Another Juneteenth, another body count as America’s blacks celebrate the freedom to murder each other. Incidents in Texas, New York, and California were Juneteenth business as usual. Unique this ...
The Week’s Most Faddy, Paddy, and Day-for-Daddy Headlines THE THIN BLACK LINE After a state trooper was killed last week by a drugged-up driver during a traffic stop in Wethersfield, Connecticut, the township council refused to fly the “thin blue line” flag in his memory. The ...
The Week’s Most Time-Biding, Home-Siding, and Gay-Priding Headlines GAY GROUP AIDS GAZA It’s LGBLT Pride Month! And you probably hadn’t finished celebrating May’s Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Well, time to trade lei for gay and grass skirts for ass hurts. Time to segue from fat ...
The Week’s Most Roomy, Doomy, and June-Gloomy Headlines END-STAGE STAGES Maybe the real nightmare regarding immigration isn’t that “they’re not sending their best,” but that they are, which, considering what they’re sending, speaks terrible volumes about what’s left behind. When ...
The Week’s Most Arboreal, Raptorial, and Day-of-Memorial Headlines EIN VOLK, EIN REICH, EIN FUROR It’s been widely reported that when Jimmy Carter was running for reelection, he told his advisers, “If I get in, I’m gonna fuck the Jews.” This from a man whose presidency had been crippled ...
