The Week’s Most Conning, Donning, and Rosh Hashaning Headlines BURN SLAVEY BURN! It was a Third Reich in the second degree. Embattled N.C. gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson, a self-proclaimed “black Nazi” who hopes to “bring back slavery” so he can “buy a few,” received ...
The Week’s Iciest, Diciest, and Pumpkin Spiciest Headlines NO RHYME OR REASON How ironic that a dispute between black and white is taking place in Green. Green, Ohio (94 percent white, 1.4 percent black), where two white students asked two girls to the homecoming dance with a rhyming invite ...
The Week’s Most Pluvios Plumber, Grandiose Hummer, and Adios Summer Headlines HEZBOLLOCKS Last week “Hezbollah” became a question. As in, “His ball? Uh...it’s over there,” as the Israelis turned Hezbollah’s pagers into tiny bombs that blew the nads off the wearer. The Jewish ...
The Week’s Most Fleeting, Skeeting, and Hades-Heating Headlines IAMS WHAT IAMS It was a week in which Americans obsessed over the question, “Are Haitians eating cats?” There’s reason to be skeptical of the rumors. First of all, cats clean themselves regularly, and Haitians have an ...
The Week’s Most Mirthing, Girthing, and Virgo-Birthing Headlines THE LITERALLY NAKED GUN 2025 will bring a reboot of the Police Squad/Naked Gun movies, starring Liam Neeson in the Frank Drebin role made famous by Leslie Nielsen. And while there’s a modicum of hope that the movie won’t be a ...
The Week’s Most Neighboring, Taboring, and Day-of-Laboring Headlines HANG LOOSE, BRO “Oh Calcutta?” More like “Oh, He’s Un-Cutta.” Residents of L.A.’s Mid-Wilshire district are being terrorized by a naked old homeless black man who’s been prowling their neighborhood every night ...
The Week’s Most Straining, Paining, and Summer-Waning Headlines WITCHY? POO! Turns out it didn’t take boycotts, DeSantis, or screaming “groomer” on X to finally snap Disney out of “woke.” It just took a billion dollars. The success of Deadpool & Wolverine—which crossed $1.1 billion ...
The Week’s Most Reasoning, Treasoning, and Hurricane-Seasoning Headlines UGH In 2020 a 32-year-old Injun went missing in British Columbia. Sidney Mantee couldn’t be found anywhere (“Man-Tee” is his tribal name due to his talent for holding balls at the first hole). When the RCMP visited ...
The Week’s Most Colonial, Demonial, and Closing-Ceremonial Headlines CHIMPS LOSE FACE When chimpanzees attack, they go for the face. And while the story of Travis the face-eating chimp is well-known, less publicized is that of NASCAR driver St. James Davis. Davis owned a chimp named Moe, but ...
The Week’s Most Rustic, Fustic, and Augustic Headlines ROMA WASN’T BILKED IN A DAY Gypsies, tramps, and thieves We’d hear it from the people of the town They’d call us gypsies, tramps, and thieves But every night all the men would come around And lay their money down [In Norm Macdonald ...
