The Week’s Most Bathetic, Emetic, and Splenetic Headlines AS YOUNG AMERICANS EMBRACE SOCIALISM, BERNIE SANDERS WALKS INTO A GLASS SHOWER DOOR, REQUIRING STITCHES An exclusive Harris poll reveals that Generation Z—a cohort that comprises a quarter of the American population and consists of ...
The Week’s Most Divided, Misguided, and Lopsided Headlines BIDEN’S PAST BITES HIM IN THE ASS Joe Biden is an unnecessary politician from an unnecessary place named Delaware—a grim, postage-stamp-sized patch of land which became the nation’s first state and then gave up. Through ...
The Week’s Sleepiest, Weepiest, and Creepiest Headlines TAKE AMERICA’S HATS AGAIN In a national epidemic of “soft lynching” that seems designed to degrade and humiliate, people wearing “Make America Great Again” hats are being attacked by illiterate cretins who’s minuscule ...
The Week’s Most Surly, Squirrely, and Girly Headlines COVINGTON KID SUES WASHINGTON POST FOR $250 MILLION Until it was buried under the avalanche of publicity surrounding the fabulist gay black/Jewish actor Jessie Smollett, the Covington Kids story was the most publicized hate-crime hoax so ...
The Week’s Toniest, Stoniest, and Phoniest Headlines TRUMP SIGNS IMMIGRATION BILL, THEN ROLLS IT UP AND STABS SUPPORTERS IN THE BACK WITH IT The main promise of Donald Trump’s 2016’s presidential campaign, the gleaming white carnation on his tailored suit—“We’re going to build a ...
The Week’s Most Autistic, Fascistic, and Onanistic Headlines LIAM NEESON’S RACIAL RAPE REVENGE FANTASY Irish-born actor Liam Neeson is famous for saving Jews in Schindler’s List and for having a penis that is so large, celebrity slut Janice Dickinson compared it to an Evian bottle. As ...
The Week’s Most Unsuited, Disputed, and Polluted Headlines VIRGINIA GOVERNOR RALPH “COONMAN” NORTHAM REFUSES TO RESIGN Before launching a successful campaign for governor of Virginia last year, in August 2017 Ralph Northam tugged at the voters’ heartstrings by conjuring the image of ...
The Week’s Most Conceited, Defeated, and Maltreated Headlines CALIFORNIA AQUARIUM SHAMED FOR FAT-SHAMING AN OTTER If your personal struggle to achieve social justice doesn’t extend beyond the human sphere to include all of the wondrous creatures shat out by the rainbow-colored pudendum of ...
The Week’s Most Pensive, Offensive, and Hypertensive Headlines GAY MAFIA HOBBLES “BAD BOY OF BALLET” Ukrainian-born Sergei Polunin is considered one of the world’s finest ballet dancers despite the fact that he isn’t a homosexual. The heavily tattooed “bad boy of ballet”—his ...
The Week’s Most Jarring, Marring, and Scarring Headlines SHOULD FAT-SHAMING BE A HATE CRIME? Throughout human history until perhaps the past five years, everyone thought it was hilarious to make fun of fat people. Not only were they deemed unattractive by everyone except perverts and men ...
