The Week’s Swankest, Rankest, and Blankest Headlines IT’S OFFICIAL: THE CHINKS RULE AMERICA The NBA is composed of about 450 extremely tall men, most of them black—not that this matters, unless you’re some sort of a racist. Since the average NBA player is 6’7”, if you stacked them all ...
The Week’s Sleaziest, Cheesiest, and Queasiest Headlines BERNIE SANDERS FINALLY BLOWS A GASKET It has long been an established fact that not only is Bernie Sanders the angriest man in politics—he may be the angriest man who ever lived. For all the jibber-jabber you hear about how Donald Trump ...
The Week’s Most Shocking, Rocking, and Cock-Blocking Headlines BLACK-POWER-FIST-RAISING OLYMPIC ATHLETES FINALLY ADMITTED INTO HALL OF FAME One of the most iconic—don’t you hate that word?—Olympics images in history is that of two black American runners named Tommie Smith and John Carlos ...
The Week’s Pearliest, Whirliest, and Churliest Headlines NEW YORK TIMES: SEXUAL ASSAULT IS NO BIG DEAL In a move that will shock and traumatize those who have been victimized by sexual assault—as well as all those who pretend to have been thusly victimized—The New York Times recently ...
The Week’s Most Accidental, Detrimental, and Unsentimental Headlines LESBIAN PENGUINS IN LONDON ACCUSED OF RAISING A GENDER-NEUTRAL CHICK As we all know—under threat of death or castration—gender is a meaningless social construct, whereas sexual orientation is spot-welded into your DNA. ...
The Week’s Most Solid, Stolid, and Squalid Headlines JACK GETS HACKED: TWITTER CEO’S ACCOUNT PRAISES HITLER, DROPS N-BOMB Jack Dorsey is the CEO of the well-past-its-prime social-media titan Twitter. He does things such as meditating in caves and sporting a beard that makes him look like a ...
The Week’s Most Unnecessary, Involuntary, and Unsanitary Headlines TUCKER CARLSON’S RATINGS REMAIN STRONG AFTER HE CALLED WHITE SUPREMACY A “HOAX” Tucker Carlson is the only cable news host we can think of without wanting to immediately vomit. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Chris ...
The Week’s Most Hedonic, Demonic, and Sardonic Headlines NEW YORK TIMES ANNOUNCES SWITCH OF EDITORIAL FOCUS FROM RUSSIAN COLLUSION HOAX TO WHITE SUPREMACY HOAX We’re not even going to check his Wikipedia page to verify ethnicity, but from what we can tell, The New York Times’ executive ...
The Week’s Sweatiest, Pettiest, and Readiest Headlines WHY CHRIS CUOMO NEEDS TO LEGALLY CHANGE HIS NAME TO “FREDO” In perhaps what is the most significant event for the Italian-American community since Sylvester Stallone decided to sing the theme song to Paradise Alley, CNN anchor Chris ...
The Week’s Most Imbecilic, Coprophilic, and Pedophilic Headlines BOY SCOUTS: A NEST OF PEDOS? The Boy Scouts of America are involved in a decades-long attempt to conceal a “pedophilia epidemic within their organization,” according to a group of lawyers who filed a suit Tuesday against the ...
