WEST ORANGE, N.J.—When I was a young man, and the editor, or the producer, or the executive, would tell me that he was about to censor me, the reason was always, “Your material offends the older people.” Now that I’m one of the older people, when the editor, or the producer, or the ...
PORT ORCHARD, Wash.—So, yeah, it’s kind of obvious why Robert Mueller’s “secret questions that he wants to ask Trump” got leaked to the New York Times. I could have written these questions. Because . . . I read the New York Times. Anybody with access to Google Search could have written ...
NEW YORK—Leave it to a bunch of self-important self-righteous self-serious journalists to miss the whole point. (That’s what they call themselves. They prefer the French word instead of the word that was used for 150 years—“reporter.”) I’m talking about the now-infamous White House ...
NEW YORK—Several hundred emails pour in each week asking me about the Joe Bob Wellness Regimen. People wanna know, “How do you do it, Joe Bob? Glowing skin after a three-day drunk. Toned abs over your beer gut. A certain aroma about your torso that prevails even after extended sessions in the ...
NEW YORK—At first I was just like everyone else. Why would Scott Pruitt, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, need twelve extra highly trained SWAT-team-capable security guards and a $43,000 Maxwell Smart-style soundproof phone booth in his office? The guy’s job is clean air and ...
CHATTANOOGA, Tenn.—Just when those New Zealand possum jackets started to take off, San Francisco had to go and ban fur. Actually, they didn’t ban all fur. Sheep and lamb are okay, because who cares about animals so docile they’re used as symbols of Christ? Sheep and lambs deserve to die ...
STAUNTON, Va.—I just recently realized that I’m a miserable selfish tone-deaf insensitive creep. Why didn’t I see this before? All those years of reading the Times, the Post, Buzzfeed, and the Vanderbilt University alumni magazine have worked their way through the crusty rawhide of my soul ...
NEW YORK—I’ve been reading this indictment of the thirteen people who supposedly disrupted the 2016 election. Are you kidding me? These are intelligence agents. I mean, some of them may be contractors employed by Russian intelligence, but either way, it’s the equivalent of saying the CIA ...
NEW YORK—A stroll down Bleecker Street, once a haven for bars, nightclubs, Off Broadway theaters, Mafia hangouts, beatnik cafés, and weird secondhand shops, has recently become treacherous due to these little makeshift flash mobs that congregate in front of nondescript buildings for no apparent ...
NEW YORK—Now that we have all these legal weed growers, plus all these legal middlemen making brownies and lozenges and Maryjane Chewies, plus all the legal weed shops in Colorado and Oregon and California and the “medical clinics” (hahahahahahahaha) in Montana and elsewhere, here’s my ...
