You know who probably got more tail than anyone in history? The first dude who was able to predict a solar eclipse. Think about it. “Today I shall blot the sun from the sky! If you wish to escape eternal darkness, send me all your virgins to favor me with pleasure! And a few older, experienced ...
When I’m asked why I never had kids, my standard answer is, I’ve spent my life in mortal fear of being tethered to another human in a manner from which I can’t legally walk away if I choose. That’s an honest answer, but it’s not the complete one. The second part, which I always leave ...
It’s a tradition ’round these parts (and by “these parts” I mean my desktop, comfy chair, and rum bottle) to end December by cleaning house of interesting bits and pieces I didn’t get to use during the year. Normally, this housecleaning consists of unused back-and-forths with journalists ...
My Christmas gift to myself this year is a column about zombie movies. I’ve been wanting to do this one since October, when it was announced that Night of the Living Dead is getting a woke remake by something named Nikyatu Jusu, which I thought was a martial art but turns out it’s a scowling ...
This week, I present the parable of the bimbo Kansan. Bambi Bimbo leaves her Midwestern homestead to come to Hollywood. With her tight ass, toned tummy, pert breasts, and button nose, all her life she’s been told by her kin in Kickenschitt, Kansas, that she’s destined to be up thar on that ...
One of the frustrations of writing a weekly column is that sometimes you wrap a piece, post it, and that very day the Special Olympians of public discourse provide fodder you wish you’d been able to include. I’d just finished writing about the lunacy of rightists who see in Kanye West a ...
I don’t live by a lot of rules (“socks first, then shoes” is one I find helpful. You’re welcome). But here’s a rule I appreciate more as I get older: Stupid and crazy are traits best avoided. I can hear you saying, “Dave, that seems obvious.” But you’re wrong, oh imaginary reader. ...
Last week I was watching Tammy Bruce on Fox, and...hey, is she still a lesbian? That used to be her thing, right? Whatever happened with that? Tammy Bruce’s lesbianism was like Bobcat Goldthwait’s screaming: It was never interesting, but it was at least distinguishing. So there’s Bruce, the ...
I get it, you’re tired of the midterms. Time to move on! After all, the GOP controls the House...by such a slim majority one softball shooter with decent aim could blow it to hell. But hey—Boebert won! Yippee! Time to break out the “liberal tears” memes. An incumbent barely won by 550 ...
The next few columns will analyze the midterms from different angles. This week: abortion. Pro-lifers post-Dobbs have effectively demonstrated what happens when a dog finally catches the car: He runs over his friends. Then he crashes through a house and bursts into flames. Worse still, unfazed, ...
