3. “In America, we do not talk on our cell phones in the library.”
This is a predominantly Western notion, because Americans are unable to concentrate while reading. This is because they hate reading. Asians are so smart, they could read Kierkegaard in the middle of a monster truck rally, so leave them alone! Chinese people shouldn’t have to be quiet so your stupid ass can make it through a book. Again, there is no affirmative action for whites, so catch up with the rest of the students. Either shit, or get off the hole in the floor.

4. “Ching-chong-ling-long-ting-tong.”
Not unlike Shaq back in 2003 when he told Yao Ming, “ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-so,” Wallace dropped the Ching Chong Bomb. In her case, the implication was that Chinese is not easy on the ears. This is patently false. Hearing Cantonese screamed across a restaurant is like hearing a piccolo court a cockatoo. It’s almost as wonderful as Québécois. Back in Montreal, we had a show called La Petite Vie that showcased local slang. Hearing the show’s protagonist Aimé “Ti-Mé” Paré in an argument with a Cantonese aunt would sound as soothing as James Earl Jones reading bedtime stories to a nursery full of infants on Xanax. It would sound nothing like a wild elephant stomping a hundred ducks to death.

5. “We’re trying to study, thanks.”
At the end of the video, Wallace insists that even if some of the Asian students may be checking on tsunami victims (because we all know how Koreans and Chinese love and cherish their Japanese friends), she still has the right to politely ask them to keep it down. She apologized endlessly for this “thanks” faux pas, but it was way too little and a thousand years too late.

When someone demeans your tribe, there are right ways and wrong ways to respond. Personally, I think UCLA’s Asian students also acted inappropriately. If I found myself in their situation, I would have focused my hurt feelings in a more constructive way. Recently released White House tapes reveal that back in the early 1970s, Richard Nixon said, “I’ve just recognized that, you know, all people have certain traits.” Before he could be tackled and thrown out the window for making such a racist generalization, Tricky Dick added, “Virtually every Irish I’ve known gets mean when he drinks. Particularly the real Irish.” This fool ended up disgraced and left office with his tail between his legs. Juan, Rick, and Alexandra have been forced to do the same, and they’re lucky. I’m Irish and if I ever ran into someone making Celtophobic statements after I’d been drinking, they wouldn’t get death threats. They’d be dead.