Kate Winslet

Wendy Murdoch’s name before it became Wendy was Cultural Revolution, an obviously sycophantic effort by her parents to please the powerful.

The bin Laden name is everywhere, especially in Gstaad, where one of his nephews with wife and children gives discreet cocktail parties for rich folk, as George W. Bush would call them. For some strange reason the invites are by email or by telephone.

Would any of you invest with someone called Madoff—no relation—if he really showed some amazing results? I bet you’d chicken out. I know I would, especially if his performance was above average. Poor Mr. Madoff—you’ve done nothing wrong except carry the wrong moniker, yet no one will invest in you. Better change it to Cohen, although Stevie is also under a dark cloud and may soon be indicted. Oy vey!

And what about Savile Row after the Jimmy Savile row? There’s a hell of a lot of touching going on—while fitting takes place—so my friends at Anderson & Sheppard have to be extra careful.

Hector is a very popular name in South America, as is that of our Lord Jesus. They pronounce it “Hey, Zeus.” Christian names—AKA first names—are easier to handle, especially when they’re not that Christian-sounding. Achilles is a very popular name in Greece, and Prince Achilles is the young grandson of King Constantine. Clytemnestra, Agamemnon’s wife, I do not recommend, because the Americans will surely call the poor girl Clitoris for short. Alexander is the most popular, and that includes the feminine in the mother of my children’s case. And then there is Taki. Without the Theodoracopulos it would be too tacky.

During my infamous libel case in 1986, the bullying Judge Otton asked me what the name “Taki” meant. “It is a diminutive for Virgin Mary,” I replied to loud guffaws from the peanut gallery. “And what does ‘Theodoracopulos’ stand for?” asked His Lordship. “Gift from God,” I answered to even louder belly laughs. The Spectator and I lost the case.

Our names are important, but sometimes we can’t help them. But sometimes we can, such as the fool who had a perfectly good name but changed it to RocknRoll so he could step out with Kate Winslet.