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I am OUTRAGED at your “Frankie the Frankfurter” costume! The frankfurter originated in GERMANY, where I spent four years in death camps. Little did I know, as I survived the gas ovens of the two worst camps, Hütter and Florian-Schneider, that one day I would be TAUNTED by a costume reminding me of the NAZIS who nearly took my life. I DEMAND removal of this anti-Semitic outfit. Have I not suffered enough?

Our stores have disposed of all “Frankie the Frankfurter” costumes.

Oh, man…I mean, oh, woman…I mean, oh, gender-neutral being…I messed up again. Chris Sims here. How could I not see the Holocaust angle? Oh, shit, “not see,” that sounds bad. I mean, how could I have been so tone-deaf? Wait, I mean tone-impaired. Damn, this diversity thing is hella hard!

Dear Mr. Sims: Have you considered shopping at Target?

This is feminist attorney and open lesion Gloria Allred, and I’m formally notifying you that I have filed an emergency injunction on behalf of all sex workers in the U.S. to prevent your company from using the term “trick or treat.” This misogynistic term implies that if a sex worker chooses not to do a trick, she is therefore obligated to provide a treat. You might think it’s proper to demand “treats” from women, but thankfully we are not living in The Handmaid’s Tale…YET. Our bodies, our lives, our right to decide!

In compliance with your injunction, the words “trick or treat” will be banned from all Walmart locations.

“Ghost” costume…white sheet…KKK…racist…outraged…remove NOW…500 angry niggas (in car/can’t text)

All ghost-related costumes have been promptly removed.

I was walking through Walmart yesterday, and imagine my sorpresa when I saw your “Pumpkinhead” masks. The pumpkin originated in Oaxaca, where it is respectfully know as Cucurbita pepo. And now you have APPROPRIATED the pride of my antepasados into a “mask” that clearly gives the impression that pumpkins are EVIL. You think Mexican agriculture is evil? Who picks the produce you sell in your stores? Resistir a Trump!

All pumpkin-themed masks and decorations have been removed from our stores.

Why your Pennywise the Clown masks gotta be white? You sayin’ only white people are wise with their pennies? Get some BLACK Pennywises, or you’re gonna get a visit from 500 furious niggas protestin’ outside your stores.

At great expense, we have arranged with Warner Bros. to provide custom-made black Pennywise masks.

Why you racist crackers have a BLACKFACE clown mask? You sayin’ blacks are clowns? You wantin’ us to do a MINSTREL SHOW? Sorry, white devil trash, we don’t dance for whitey no more. REMOVE them RACIST blackface clown masks NOW, or tomorrow you’re gonna get a visit from 500 furious (et cetera, et alia, and so on).

At great cost, all black Pennywise masks have been scrapped.

I am a proud gay man, and I’ve noticed that all of your costumes have “flame retardant” written on them. “Retardant” means “to inhibit,” and of course “flaming” is a term often used for gay men. So what are you saying, that we must be INHIBITED? That we must go BACK IN THE CLOSET? I insist that you REFUSE to sell any costumes that carry that homophobic designation.

But state law requires…I mean…how can we…

Your Slenderman costume is fat-shaming me. PLEASE stop it from fat-shaming me. It won’t stop fat-shaming me! It’s actually talking to me… What, Slenderman? What’s that you say? Kill who? But I LIKE Ted Danson. Yes, you make a good point; he dies.

Uh, um…we can’t even…

This is 500 furious niggas. We showed up at your store to do a little “peaceful protesting,” and imagine our shock when we found the entire Halloween section empty, everything gone from the shelves, all the decorations taken down, just a big sign saying “We give up.” It’s the last week of October; why would you do this? No masks to call racist, no costumes to protest…

Some people really know how to take all the fun out of Halloween.