Matt Stone and Trey Parker

When Rush Limbaugh pushed for tougher sentences on drug violations, he had a pretty solid argument based on facts. I didn’t agree with it, but it was impersonal and clearheaded. However, he was also illegally buying prescription drugs. Democrats had a field day with Rush’s addiction, but it didn’t end his career. The same can’t be said for GOP Rep. Chris Lee, who was forced to step down after sending out a picture of his nude torso. Of course, when the tables are turned and we go from flexed torsos to turgid erections, Democrats claim the perpetrator should become mayor of New York. Spitzer deserved to be called out for nailing prostitutes because he was using our money, but should anybody care that Italy’s prime minister had orgies? I didn’t even care when Bill Clinton put his cigar in a chick’s vagina. All I care about when it comes to politicians is how little of my money they spend and how much they tell me what to do.

If we were all obliged to be 100% honest 100% of the time, you could fault those who hid the truth, but we aren’t, so we don’t. I’m sure I’ve said things far worse than John Galliano when I was drunk. We all have.

We live in a world based on illusions. When Seth MacFarlane roasted Charlie Sheen last week, we assumed he wrote his own jokes but we don’t get into it because we want to enjoy the show. When the other roasters came on and mocked Seth for being in the closet, assumptions became part of the entertainment. The same goes for professional sports. We root for our local teams but the big leagues are made up of transient millionaires who care more about the highest bidder than the city they live in. So we pretend.

I want to enjoy The Book of Mormon for what it is and ignore my loudmouth pal’s petty gossip. I didn’t want to wonder what Parker’s motive was, but it kept creeping in. Was he really out to sabotage Christianity because it made him feel bad about being born that way? Was his whole career fueled by closeted spite? When Artie on The Larry Sanders Show was asked whether Jews run Hollywood, he clarified and said that “gay Jews” run it. This jibes with Steve Sailer’s suggestion that there is a glass ceiling for non-gay-friendly entertainers. Could this be the Da Vinci Code behind Trey Parker’s success?

South Park blew up back in 1992 when they made an animated short called Jesus vs. Frosty. The gory short features what are now known as the South Park kids getting Jesus to kill a monster snowman. That’s it. When openly gay FOX executive Brian Graden saw it, he went bananas and had them do another, which they called The Spirit of Christmas. This version has the kids calling each other “fat” and “Jew” and then realizing these names hurt. Jesus tries to kill Santa until a very effeminate figure skater shows up and tells everyone to be friends. Graden loved it and made sure Parker and Stone rose with him as he became one of the most powerful people in television.

Graden had graduated from Oral Roberts University, and if there is a class of homosexual who has a bone to pick with religion, it’s someone who had to sit in a chair for four years and pay money to be told how awful they are. In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I don’t like Graden and believe most of his decisions have been made with some kind of gay agenda in mind.

Matt Stone is so straight he only bangs black chicks. Parker was married to a diminutive Asian woman, but that didn’t work out and now he lives with a single mom. See? This is the stupid rut you get into when you let someone’s personal life into the mix. In that sense this is all an argument FOR staying in the closet. It muddles the joke and makes people think about agendas. On a personal level, however, people who are ashamed of themselves annoy me, especially when they make fun of other people for doing the same.

Oh, what am I talking about? If you want to talk about personal motives here, the impetus for this whole investigation is my own jealousy of Matt and Trey’s success.

I know it’s confusing and I don’t really have it figured out myself but if the question is, “Can you make fun of hypocrites while being one yourself?” the answer is, “Yes, but you’d better be really funny about it.”