Michele Bachmann

On the Republican side, there is a bit more work to do. Rick Perry might be swapped with talking-head devil-impersonator Charles Krauthammer. And Mitt Romney? Hmm…how does Warren Jeffs sound? Then either Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin (if she decides to run) could scoop up Chelsea Clinton, who has probably been itching for an opportunity like this. Already the Republican debates are starting to sound watchable again.

On second thought, we should disqualify celebrities from the running. More practical replacements are to be found in a different and much smaller group: those who have undergone facial transplant surgery. These people are eager for steady work, and what better way for someone such as Michele Bachmann to explain the intelligent-design theory than through the face of Connie Culp? Rick Perry could have James Maki lead the national discussion on merging church and state. Such unfortunate persons’ warped and cartoonish features would aptly manifest the inner world of today’s Republicans. And if these replacements lose their elections, they have the option of getting another face and starting over. No big deal!

I intend no offense to the facially challenged. They have crucial roles to play in society. But when we’ve come to the point where a US presidential election is set to be a contest between a “democratic socialist” and a Christian theocrat, the time for politeness is over. So don’t aim vitriol at me. I never passed any bills or organized any communities, and I never will. I am quite content here with my dear flaxen-haired Svetlana, our music collection, and our cache of gin and benzoylmethylecgonine.