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Dear Delphi,

My wife is seven months pregnant, and I am starting to hate her and myself. The other day she asked me to go get her a milkshake from her favorite milkshake place on the other side of town, which I did. She said it was too thick and could not drink it, then gave me a long speech and insisted I go back and get another, which I did.

“€”Errand Boy in Marlborough

Dear Errand Boy in Marlborough,

Women get men to do things for them by convincing the man he is Superman and she is the damsel in distress who needs saving.

However, now that the damsel in distress is pregnant, she has magically transformed into Wonder Woman. How can Wonder Woman, who has the earth-shattering power to create new life, see you or treat you, mere mortal, as Superman? She can”€™t! You are Clark Kent, her errand boy sent to fulfill her every desire.

This reversal may last well into breastfeeding, because not only can Wonder Woman create life, she can also sustain life. By simply existing, Wonder Woman is the sole reason your child continues to live from one day to the next. So get used to your new role, but don”€™t worry because before you know it, your damsel in distress will need her Superman back.

Dear Delphi,

My wife gets drunk, I mean falling-down drunk, every time we go out. She manages to keep it together when we are at business-related activities, but otherwise she is a mess. I don”€™t think she is an alcoholic, but it is starting to be annoying and embarrassing. How can I get her to stop?

“€”Drunken Wife in London

Dear Drunken Wife in London,

The first thing you could try is a long, serious conversation about how embarrassing and annoying she is. Try to make it as mortifying as possible with plenty of examples and mimicking. Try to shame her into stopping.

If that doesn”€™t get her to slow down, I suggest you take videos of her behavior the next time you go out. The important thing is to film her when she looks terrible, not so much when she is behaving terribly. It is impossible for a girl to go through that many drinks and look good at the end of the evening. Search out bad lighting, bad poses that enhance double chins and big legs, bad hair, and bad makeup moments. If you can”€™t shame her into stopping, maybe you can appeal to her vanity.

Your last option is to tell her you are treating her to an exclusive spa weekend and ship her off to rehab instead. Don”€™t forget to tell her that they do not allow cell phones, computers, or money of any kind”€”you don”€™t want her to be able to run away.