“They stopped making Goblin Teasmade at the end of the sixties,” he said. “You might find a revival version in a novelty gift shop, but you won’t find one in Boots.”

I hid my disappointment among the toasters. It was hard to accept the idea of the Goblin ending up in a gift shop. It had been such an active contributor to so many young couples’ felicity.

“I wouldn’t dwell on the toasters, either,” Patel continued. “I read in The Sun this morning that St. James’s has specifically asked well-wishers not to send any more toasters or tea sets.” It seemed to me that Patel was verging on the obstructive, and I wondered whether he, too, had republican leanings.

“In that case I had better look elsewhere,” I replied. “There is evidently nothing for me here.”

That was when he dropped this brilliant bombshell: “I have the perfect thing. It comes in our well-being range and is called the ‘Delay Device for Mens Sexual Wellbeing’ and comes at £30.63 complete with instructions.”

If this was Patel’s idea of a joke, it wasn’t good and I told him so.

“Let me explain,” he continued. “This a very serious device, otherwise it would not be on sale in Boots.” As Boots are officially a Royal Warrant Holder, he had a point.

“It will be a most popular present,” he declared. He said he could almost guarantee that no one else would send one as a gift. He went on to explain what it was.

Thirty percent of sexually active men suffer at some stage in their lives from premature ejaculation. With all the pressures he has to bear, the chances of it happening to the prince place him in the highest-risk category. Whereas members of the public can simply wander into Boots and buy a Delay Device, the prince would have to approach one of the grey suits and try to explain his dilemma. The suit would probably recommend keeping a stiff upper lip and thinking of England.

The Delay Device works in conjunction with the start-stop technique, devised by Dr. James H. Semans to treat premature ejaculation. In clinical trials, using a stimulating device along with the start-stop technique was found to delay ejaculation. The Device comes with clear instructions and is best used with Boots Pharmaceuticals Men’s Sexual Wellbeing Myerex Lubricating Gel. It is fundamentally a masturbating device through which a man learns to control his ejaculation, until as Boots delicately puts it, “the point of no return.” It is a six-week training program, and the device should be used for no more than 30 minutes and no more than three times per week.

“It does not state it on the instructions,” said Patel, “but it is probably damned good fun.”

He is convinced that it will be one of the most unusual and welcome presents received.

I agreed. As soon as it comes back from my by-appointment-only jewelers who are attaching an inscribed silver coronet on the back, the Boots Delay Device for Mens Sexual Wellbeing will be winging its way to the palace with my best wishes for the couple’s happiness and for future generations.