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GSTAAD—The American newspaper that prints only news it sees fit to poison good things with recently published an article that dared to ask, “The End of Snow?”

“The planet has warmed 1.4 degrees Fahrenheit since the 1800s,” it declared, “and as a result, snow is melting.” Bring on the Pulitzers—snow melts! The Big Bagel Times also thundered that “Europe has lost half its Alpine glacial ice since the 1850s”—yes, the 1850s, when private jets ferried people such as Abe Lincoln around America, Otto von Bismarck polluted German resorts in his supercharged Mercedes-Benz, and young Taki steamed around the Med in a 100MPH speedboat powered by black slaves.

I don’t believe a word the Times writes, and as I live in Gstaad, I have firsthand knowledge about snow. (The type one skis on, for any of you drippy-nosed wise guys out there.) Back in 1958, skiing stopped on March 7th because the white stuff was gone. In 1964 I played tennis with the former number-one player in Europe, Philippe Washer, throughout the whole winter. Outdoors, that is. Irwin Shaw, that wonderful American novelist, came up to Gstaad to see his son Adam at the Rosey school and was delighted to practice with us. He lived in Klosters, loved tennis, and told us he would make a killing wagering on himself once the snows had melted over there against his regular tennis opponents. (No indoor crap courts back then, thank God.)

Fifty-six years later, on March 15, I cannot see a single brown spot on the three surrounding mountains of Gstaad, just acres and acres of new, fresh, Stalingrad-like snow. With the sun having shone for the last two weeks without a single cloud, nothing has melted, so give back the Pulitzers, you filthy phonies.

Would you like to read some more bullshit from the particular article I’m quoting, yes, why not? “Artificial snow-making now helps to cover 88 percent of American ski resorts.” Sure, I believe it, but where are those ski resorts? If you turn Palm Beach into a ski resort you have to use snow-making machines like they do in ludicrous Dubai, where idiots actually go to ski indoors in an area as long as a football pitch. Vail and Aspen and Snow Valley need less snow at times, not more, but statistics are there to fool the people all the time with news that fits the agenda of the creeps that run that awful paper.

Who pays for all these reports that announce nonstop that the end is nigh? Why can’t someone explain to me why I couldn’t ski back then when I was young and a very fast skier, while I can ski right now at age 77 and am rather slow? It reminds me of a friend of mine, a titled Venetian, who used to have tremendous erections when he was alone but failed miserably to get it up when with a girl. What is going on?

I’ll tell you, but others have said it much better and with more facts. Moolah. The great Tim Rice wrote about it last week in The Spectator. The Peloponnese, one of the most beautiful spots on Earth, has been scarred by the wind machines that greedy environmentalists have erected throughout, EU grey men and women arriving from Brussels and ordering those monsters to go up. They are as useful as my Venetian friend’s erections. Mind you, climate change has occurred, in extreme weather patterns that saw half of England and Brittany submerged last winter and the Big Bagel under ten feet of snow one day while sweltering in Dubai-like furnace heat the next.