November 26, 2013
Jean Gabin and Arletty
“JFK in his inaugural address, January 1961,” says the little Nip.
“Bravo, Takashita,” says the teacher, “and how long have you been in this country?”
“Six weeks, sir.”
Suddenly another voice is heard. “Fuck the Japs!”
“Who said that?” yells the outraged teacher.
“Harry F. Truman,” comes the answer.
My own dear father came up with a good one under unfortunate circumstances. A notorious womanizer, he always raised a ball-and-chain pennant when my mother was onboard his boat warning the fairer sex to stay away whenever he dropped anchor in some hot spot with mama along. One day he forgot all about it and went to bed, my mother still walking the deck. Two beauties arrived and asked her if she was John’s latest. My mother played along and they spilled the beans. When she went below and started screaming at him, demanding what he has to say for himself, the only thing he could come up with was, “Damn it, I forgot to raise the bloody flag.”
William Buckley was a comeback natural. He was once asked on live television why we were losing the war in Vietnam. “Well, we have the Bavarians and they have the Prussians,” came his answer, shutting everyone up. And how true it was. The Viet Cong were fighting like Prussians and the South Vietnamese like Bavarians. When flying to Boston to debate Arthur Schlesinger at Harvard, I believe, Bill was offered a cigar by Schlesinger and accepted. As soon as they landed they were surrounded by reporters. The professor said something like he was here to defend American values against warmongers like Buckley. “All I know,” said Bill while rolling his eyes, “is that if the good professor and his ilk hadn”t screwed up the Bay of Pigs, we”d still be smoking Havanas.”
These are all oldies but good ones. Nothing is harder than humor, something that’s totally disappeared nowadays, replaced by crudeness and vulgarity. One could fill a book with Groucho Marx’s rib-ticklers. My favorite is very well known:
GROUCHO: So, you got any kids?
FEMALE CONTESTANT: Yes, Groucho, I have eleven children.
GROUCHO: Eleven?! Did you say eleven kids?
FEMALE CONTESTANT: Well, I love my husband.
GROUCHO: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
