May 13, 2011
Randy "Macho Man" Savage
6. GET THAT GOO OUT OF YOUR HAIR
Men can have Brylcreem in their hair, but only to slick it back. The fact that adult males have no problem spiking their hair like the little kid in Jerry Maguire is living proof we have estrogened ourselves back into the Fag Age. It may look funky and fresh when you”re staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror, but by the time it gets to us, it looks like a pterodactyl was clipping his toenails over your head.
7. YOU MAY ONLY CRY AT MOVIES
Up is an intense cartoon. The couple at the beginning spent their whole lives trying to conceive a child, and they failed. It took 30,000 years of post-Neanderthal evolution to get them to that point, and their family lineage comes to a dead end with a miscarriage. If that makes a tear fall down your cheek, be proud. You care about humanity. But you can”t do that thing where your whole face scrunches up like a baby taking a dump. Your face has to stay exactly as is. If your face starts to scrunch up anyway, bury it in your left hand and have some silent heaves. Outside of the film world, crying is only permitted at funerals, and it had better be while standing tall. Men aren”t allowed to give up and just say, “That’s it, I”m bawling my eyes out,” because now we”re left with nobody to shield us from harm. It’s like when you”re flying in a tiny one-prop plane and your wife is petrified of the turbulence. You have to explain, “Honey, it’s just a bus that goes in the sky. They do this trip dozens of times a day, relax,” while quietly filling your underwear with diarrhea.
8. STOP CARESSING HER AND FUCK HER
I”m not sure when we started listening to sexless lesbians for heterosexual advice, but women don”t want to be cherished with permission. They want to be eaten alive. We didn”t get here by being cool to each other, so grab that broad and show her the evolutionary truth that she’s a mouse and you”re a snake. I”m not saying you have to rape her, but let’s stop pretending that “no” means “no.” “No” means “maybe.” THREE “noes” mean “no.”
9. COVER YOUR MAN TOES
The first thing I always say about mandals is, “What if someone slaps your girl and you have to chase them?” Nobody’s saying you have to be Randy “Macho Man” Savage and pile-drive everyone who doesn”t open the door for your lady, but flip-flops render you incapable of physical combat. Shit, I don”t even think mandals should be allowed on the beach. Wear your sneakers to the beach. When you get to your towel, you can leave them there before swimming or, if the sand is hot, wear them to the tide’s edge and leave them there. Men are wearing flip-flops to work, parent-teacher interviews, apartment closings, and the dentist. Wearing mandals reveals a level of shameless self-love that reminds me of a baby playing with his penis while he gets his diaper changed. I barely want to look at a woman’s hideous black toenail polish on the filthy city streets. Seeing your mangled foot-claws flip and flop through dog crap is like forcing us to watch you masturbate.
10. WHAT’s ON YOUR T-SHIRT?
I”m not even sure you can wear only a T-shirt, but assuming no collar is acceptable, why is a grown-ass man advertising what band he likes? If you”re over 30, nobody cares what you like. Stop pledging allegiance to The Ramones as if someone is going to be so inspired by your cool-dad pose, they immediately buy Rocket to Russia. It’s no longer your job to mine out the hottest bands and proudly announce your allegiance for all the world to see.
11. YOU CAN ONLY CALL YOUR WIFE ONCE A DAY
And even then you should do it in private. Nothing sickens a coworker more than hearing a man say, “I love you, honey” while sitting at his desk. Who is that, your mommy? If you”re on a business trip and you miss her, give her a call when you”re back at the hotel. Do not check in with her after every meeting and say, “That went really well.” You sound like a Jewish virgin who still lives at home. Saying, “I have to call my wife” when faced with a major decision translates as, “I have to call my husband.” Unless you”re buying her a purse for her birthday, there should never be a situation where you need her help to go forward. On the show Shark Tank, I saw a young entrepreneur who received an offer to finance his invention, and he asked if he could phone to check with his spouse first. The investors pulled the deal. One of them said she doubts he has the chutzpah to run his own company. He has not received a blowjob since.
12. iPADS ARE FOR GIRLS
I guess you can have an iPad at home and browse the Net while you”re watching TV, but bringing it out of the house is utterly verboten. Men are meant to jot things down and send comments to colleagues while doing research. That means they need a big notepad and a bigger keyboard. The iPad is for observers, not creators, and when you read books with it on the train or even bring it to meetings (I”ve seen this many times), it means you are not here to participate in the business world. You”re here to peruse.
Here is the fundamental point behind all these rules: A grown man is meant to be prepared for conflict and provide for his wife and family. Indulging oneself like a gay teen on vacation is not only abandoning your post, it’s leaving women to pick up the slack. And nobody wants a world like that”especially women.
