Heidi Klum and Seal

Last year was a banner year for Los Angeles divorce attorneys. The most high-profile splits include: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (turns out she suffers from “exhaustion,” i.e., “is a junkie” and is off to rehab), Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Russell Brand and Katy Perry.

And those are only the most famous. Christina Aguilera (famous, but not as much as five years ago) left Jordan Bratman (never famous), Debra Messing (half-famous) and Daniel Zelman (seven-eighths not famous) went their separate ways, old Tony Danza (whose wife is so utterly not-famous, we won’t even mention her name) decided to throw in the towel after 24 years of marriage, and Mel Gibson (infamous) had to part with his wife (don’t know her) and $425 million.

One can’t help but feel a tinge of schadenfreude, what with all the grand declarations of love and the extravagant ceremonies in exotic locations—all for naught! In fact, it’s more than a tinge of schadenfreude; it’s a torrent. It’s a raging cyclone of taking delight in the misfortunes of others.

Looks like this year is going to be big, too….

Klumsy, Sealed and Delivered
Imagine renewing your marriage vows in the public eye six years in a row, only to announce your separation on the eve of the seventh year. Talk about the seven-year itch! But alas, Hollywood’s king and queen of interracial romance are abdicating the throne. German model/TV personality Heidi Klum and her husband, the musician Seal, issued a joint statement this past weekend declaring their split, despite “the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship” and the fact that they “continue to love each other very much.” Huh? Seal later went on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to promote his new album while still wearing his wedding ring. This gesture was probably for the sake of the four children they have between them. These two deserve what they’re getting if for no other reason than hubris. I wouldn’t put it past them to throw a divorce party every year from now until death do them part.

Johnny Be Gone
Word on the street is that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are only a few miles from Splitsville’s city limits. Hollywood rumors are percolating about Depp having an affair with his pneumatic costar, Eva Green. At least now female Depp fans know he likes European girls—especially French ones—and that they might have a chance with the sexy star. Paradis appeared solo at the premiere of her new film Café de Flore, and Depp was also dateless at the Golden Globe Awards in Los Angeles last week.

Luck of the DrewDrew Barrymore and Will Kopelman
Drew Barrymore got engaged over the holidays to Will Kopelman, the son of former Chanel honcho Arie Kopelman. This will be her third marriage. Haven’t you learned anything, Drew? Shame, Drew, shame! We expected more from a New Yorker such as Will, but ten years in Hollywood will fry anyone’s brain. Run, Will, run!