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And then there was “€˜please do not hesitate to contact us”€™: pull the other one, I thought.  Nevertheless, I tried. Receiving no reply to my e-mail, I telephoned. “€˜Is he expecting your call?”€™ the telephonist asked.  Does he answer only expected calls, then? It must simplify his life immensely. “€˜Will he know what it is about?”€™ “€˜He ought to, he contacted me, I didn”€™t contact him.”€™ “€˜I”€™ll just have to ask you some security questions.”€™ Are telephone calls so dangerous, then? Having revealed my mother’s maiden name, I was told that he was out of the office; business standards had obviously gone into abeyance because there was no one else in his office either.

The excuse for the dispatch of the e-mail was that it was “€˜to comply with legislation and as part of our drive to reduce fraud, identity theft and financial crime by maintaining accurate and secure records.”€™ But which legislation, exactly? And which questions were obligatory and which of the bank’s own devising? No sensible person would try to find out or actually read the supposed or alleged legislation, even if he could understand it, which is unlikely.

The impression given by all this is that privacy no longer exists, that everyone is presumed guilty by government or bank until proven innocent, and that the ordinary citizen may be intimidated, misled and lied to without shame.

“€˜The bank reserves the right to monitor and record e-mail messages to and from this address for the purposes of investigating or detecting any unauthorised use if its system… Telephone calls may be monitored or recorded.”€™ I have lived under Latin American military dictatorships in which the surveillance of everyday life was much less complete and sinister than this, if only because they lacked the technical means of carrying such surveillance out.

“€˜This e-mail is private, confidential and may contain privileged information… You must not copy, distribute, disclose or use any of the information in it or any attachments.”€™ Disclose it to whom? My wife, the world? Is to print it to copy it? And what will happen to me if I do what I must not do?

Kafka! Thou shouldst be living at this hour: England hath need of thee…     

Addendum: Since writing this I have received an e-mail invitation by the bank to call it by telephone. I did so. A recorded message: “€˜Unforeseen circumstances are preventing us from offering this service at the moment.”€™ The earthquake in Nepal, perhaps?