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Back when I used to be a teacher at an English all-girls school and the older students were asked what they wanted to do when they left, alongside all the normal answers from the nice girls, a depressing minority of the nasty ones openly answered either “claim welfare benefits” or “be a prostitute.” Of the two groups, I have to say I respected the latter far more, as at least they would be joining the ranks of the gainfully self-employed.

Today, a new and surprising career option may present itself for such working and non-working girls alike, however: May it be possible somehow to combine the two previously unrelated fields of welfare and of whoredom?

Recent figures prove the benefits bill across the West is inexorably on the rise: In the U.S. alone, between 2019 and 2022, welfare costs spiraled from $773 billion to $1.215 trillion, partly driven by Covid. In the U.K., the number of those on disability benefits tripled from a mere 2 percent of the population in 1990/91 to 6 percent in 2020/21, largely as a result of my lazier ex-pupils turning 18 and suddenly all developing bad backs.

The problem is that the Western welfare state no longer aims merely at providing a basic safety net for those fallen onto hard times through no fault of their own, but has instead ballooned uncontrollably into an obese and profligate monster. Many of its scummier clients now view it more as a perpetual lifestyle choice than as a last resort, their demands upon it consequently becoming near-infinite…up to and including free prostitutes.

Disabled Access All Areas
The first such stories appeared in the early 2000s and were then treated as mere jokes. One 2004 case from Germany saw an unemployed 43-year-old male from Ansbach unsuccessfully argue before a court that, as the German Foreign Ministry refused to pay the airfare to bring his mail-order Thai bride over to Europe, the government was depriving him of his innate legal right to regularly ejaculate inside an Asian and therefore should begin funding four trips to a local brothel per month (plus free condoms) and the purchase of two porn films per week, plus funding for “some sort of appliance” to slip over his cock whilst viewing them. That’s right: This man was too lazy even to masturbate, and so expected the state to do it for him!

But before long, it slowly began to emerge that it was actually possible to claim free taxpayer money to skewer floozies with—at least if you were registered as disabled. In 2006, a wheelchair-bound Dane with cerebral palsy named Torben Vegener Hansen made a legal claim that, as “having sex is as important as food,” the Danish government should begin funding a “meals-on-wheels service” with a difference: Local prostitutes should be driven to his home to drain him off sexually “at least twice a month,” like bleeding a portable radiator.

Meals-on-wheels normally only facilitates acts of eating in, not eating out. However, Hansen was a former social worker who used his professional expertise to discover that, following official Danish legalization of prostitution in 1999, national social service guidelines had been altered to stipulate that “care staff in institutions must be prepared to help disabled people obtain sex” even up to the extreme of “accompanying them to a prostitute” themselves (back when I was a student in the early 2000s, a dwarf on a bus once unsuccessfully tried to persuade me to take him to visit a local prostitute and pay for his pleasures, too, I suddenly now recall: He must have been reading Danish Human Rights Law). As Hansen lived in his own private home aided by caregivers, not in a communal disabled home, this meant he was being sexually discriminated against, the Vegetable Viking argued.

Hoist by Their Own Retard
It was then found that, over in überliberal Holland, their own domestic welfare agencies had already been facilitating government-funded “sex care” services for those citizens registered as disabled for some time. Dutch lepers loveless and gloveless enough to be afraid of making their bits fall off during acts of onanism can use benefits payments to patronize nonprofit organizations devoted to providing so-called “touching services” for those patients who medically request them. Reports differ, but it seems the authorities do not pay the prostitutes qualified therapeutic nurses directly, but merely transfer the necessary welfare payments to clients, who then hand over the cash at second-hand, thus lending the Pandarus-like authorities plausible deniability in the matter.

Some Dutch registered brothels palliative care institutes are nonprofit charities, which can provide disabled persons with blowjobs at affordable discount rates—almost as good as if they were visiting the Third World. Others are more fully profit-motivated organizations like Flekszorg, which charges cripples higher rates for greater-quality direct action, if they are lucky enough to be on an old private works pension, too. It is possible, though, for public well-wishers to buy a special 100-euro discount voucher to donate to a more poverty-stricken patient, perhaps to celebrate their birthday, or the 10th anniversary of their legs being irreparably crushed in a Utrecht car crash. They can also win these items in a monthly sex raffle!

For those physically unable to engage in full intercourse, meanwhile, Flekszorg staff are also available to instruct those who just “want to learn how to masturbate”: Louis C.K. is currently employed to demonstrate such practices himself as a legally binding condition of his community service. (Wouldn’t masturbating in front of the blind be the very definition of a victimless crime?)

Flekszorg’s website features heartwarming testimony from clients like one unnamed 32-year-old man who claims that using prostitutes is medically necessary for him as, following a taxpayer-facilitated act of ejaculation, his state of muscle paralysis is miraculously relieved to the extent that he is able to brush his own teeth unaided for as long as two weeks afterward. Coincidentally, the woman employed to help him achieve such ends also has to spend the next two weeks frantically brushing her own teeth, too, but for slightly different reasons.

According to one 2018 report, Flekszorg’s oldest client was an amazing 104 years old. As, since 2001, medical euthanasia is also legal in Holland, perhaps the two services could be combined into one convenient, embolism-inducing whole?

Window Shopping
Handjobs for the Handicapped are also apparently now available in the United Kingdom, hence helping explain the exponential growth in the nation’s benefits bill over the past three decades. In January this year, the leader of the Labour Party grouping on England’s West Norfolk Council, Charles Joyce, alleged during a debate that the region’s social workers had wasted part of their budget on sending local congenitally inbred people to visit “the girls in the windows” in Amsterdam.

According to Joyce, the reason for this was that, due to increasing governmental bureaucracy, proof of purchase of the prostitutes’ various orifices was needed when clients were filling in their official benefits claims forms. Because prostitution was not legally allowed in the U.K., social services’ only option was thus to ship wheelchair users abroad for their kicks, where fully legal streetwalkers would happily fill in signed invoices for services rendered to satisfy Whitehall pen-pushers.

Was this really true? Joyce seemed to have slightly mixed up certain past cases of welfarist waste, apparently misinterpreting old media reports from 2010 implying the council had approved a man with mental issues using a portion of his state-administered personal living allowance to spend on dating agencies and holidays to Tunisia to alleviate his alleged “depression.”

Nonetheless, council staff were quoted back in 2010 as saying that, besides paying for needless foreign travel for sad people, funding visits to prostitutes for the mentally ill would also be viewed “favorably” in the name of being “as free thinking as possible.” The bureaucrat who wrote the council’s policy document for cognitively challenged citizens was also cited as saying council employees had a moral and legal “duty of care” to phone up prostitutes and ask for their priced “menus” in order to ensure innumerate local council-maintained retards weren’t being cruelly overcharged for their weekly suck-jobs and bum-licks.

Comic Relief
Equally profligate were Staffordshire NHS officials, who in 2019 gave a 30-year-old autistic man with cerebral palsy a £255,000 lifetime care package to manage his condition, helpfully splitting it down into mandated amounts to spend on specific needs across specific periods, to aid him managing his own budget—including the oddly specific (and oddly low) sum of £23 per week for “sex-therapy” with a 48-year-old “sex-surrogate” named Beverlee Lewis. In 2021, the NHS reconsidered and withdrew this £23-a-go fund on the grounds it was not “appropriate.” Indeed not. For £23 a week, he’d be lucky to get a firm handshake and a pat on the head.

British social workers certainly seem to have bought into this whole idea themselves, however. For some, facilitating free sex-trips to Amsterdam for Forrest Gump is a morally commendable means of “empowering” such persons with their “human rights.” Wasting taxpayer money is no object to such do-gooders—after all, that’s how their own jobs themselves are funded.

“He’s planning to do more than just have his end away—he’s having a [free] holiday,” said one social worker about his disabled client’s flight Netherlands-wards back in 2010. I’m surprised he didn’t put in a claim to go on the vacation with him, then test out the prostitutes himself personally beforehand. He could then have stamped a little government kitemark on their perineums to reassure all future users they were indeed fully disabled access compliant. How long before specialist Dutch call girls are centrally regulated to come with little handrails attached to their backs so their customers don’t just fall off during coitus?

This trend is now so widespread that there have even been recent cases in which ordinary Dutch hospital and care-home nurses have switched careers to become specialized sex-nurses instead, considering helping those with “special needs” to be their true calling in life.

These days, hospice nurses in America and Britain are often encouraged to consider helping their ailing patients to achieve all the desires on their personal “Bucket Lists” before they die. In today’s welfare-crazy Holland, a “Bucket List” is just what they call the staff nursing register. The Dutch health service is the best in the world…

Shouldn’t these sexual freeloaders literally be told to go fuck themselves?

You have now reached this article’s Happy Ending.