Source: Bigstock

Is Super Mario gay? The simple answer is “no,” although that distinctly camp mustache-and-dungarees combo does make him look rather like a lost member of the Village People.

Nonetheless, as the megahit new Super Mario Bros. Movie has leapt triumphantly out of cinemas and down the digital warp-pipe for home download just in time for you to entertain the kids with it now that the school summer holidays are finally kicking off, the quest to queer the Mushroom Kingdom has finally begun in earnest.

Yet some have bravely tried to resist, and to its credit, the film itself has no apparent woke agenda whatsoever (which is perhaps why it has been the biggest money-spinner of the year so far at the global box office). Nonetheless, so all-pervasive is the campaign to groom our kids that some have misinterpreted the movie’s wholly innocent imagery anyhow.

Rainbow Road to Ruin
An earlier trailer for the film that featured Mario and his fellow Nintendo-created cartoon bum chums hurtling along a rainbow-colored racetrack in go-karts was taken by some as yet another example of international megacorporations peddling impressionable kids unwanted LGBTQ propaganda, Walt Disney-style.

“Disgusting they had to include woke Pride flag nonsense,” wrote Twitter user Norman Brink beneath various screenshots of Mario & Co. shunting one another’s rear ends along the Primrose Path in question, in a tweet that soon went viral.

However, Mr. Brink had clearly never played a Mario Kart game, as, ever since the original 1992 title in the popular kart-racing series, each entry had featured at least one multicolored track named “Rainbow Road,” whose significance was wholly innocent: During the early ’90s, rainbows were just bright, sugary fun. Rainbow Road was in the movie because most kids would automatically expect it to be, not to seduce them into sodomy.

Predictably, Brink was quickly torn apart in the (often left-leaning) gaming press. “Losers Are Complaining The Mario Movie Is Woke Because of Rainbow Road,” headlined thegamer.com, bemoaning how “Weirdoes on the Internet” were going “mad” about the film’s alleged PC turn. But was Mr. Brink really such a mad weirdo loser?

Queer Street
There are several other real-life LGBTQ-propaganda “Rainbow Roads” in actual existence across the globe, in terms of rainbow-hued pedestrian crossings, a deeply unnecessary phenomenon that began in Taiwan back in 2008 (the eyesore’s forcible erasure by brush-wielding Communist troops may be the sole redeeming feature of any forthcoming Chinese invasion of the island).

Supposedly, such crosswalks decrease homophobia and increase feelings of safety for on-foot gaywalkers, yet they have been loudly criticized for frightening guide dogs and police horses, as well as potentially incapacitating the partially sighted, who find them harder to make out than traditional monochrome ones. Rainbow crossings have been condemned by the U.S. Federal Highway Administration as “contrary to the goal of increased safety” for pedestrians and motorists alike—regardless of sexual orientation.

One such U.K. street marking was specifically dubbed “Rainbow Road” in reports, and the widespread scorn the items have attracted as emblems of the insanely twisted priorities of our times—yes, some careless blind people might occasionally get run over and killed on them, but the death of the odd expendable Mr. Magoo is a small price to pay so that sodomites can feel “safe” when crossing the road—mean a tweeter like Norman Brink would have been unlikely to have been unaware of these counterproductive eyesores.

So, in the weird woke world of 2023, if you have never actually played a Mario Kart game, as perhaps Mr. Brink had not done, would it not actually be perfectly reasonable to see such a colorful image as Rainbow Road and jump immediately to the wrong conclusion? After all, it’s not quite as paranoid and deluded as leftists apparently seeing latent “homophobia” in ordinary monochrome black-and-white “zebra crossing” crosswalks, is it?

Why did the militant homosexual cross the road? To groom the child on the other side.

Nintendon’t Ask, Nintendon’t Tell
The Super Mario Bros. Movie has been both acclaimed and condemned for supposedly being “anti-woke”—a label it has acquired largely by virtue of not being explicitly propagandistic in function, an increasingly rare quality these days. Yet there is a determined push right now to queer videogames, as an excellent means of corrupting impressionable children.

Nintendo is one of the leading targets to have its games infected thus, as the Japanese console giant is determined to maintain a family-friendly image, leaving the vast majority of their products happily unburdened by ideology of any kind—or so they intended.

The most notorious effort to forcibly gay-rape Nintendo’s cartridge slots came in 2015, when trans-activist game designer Brianna Wu tried to claim that the intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran from Nintendo’s popular Metroid sci-fi shooter space exploration games was “a transgender woman.”

Famously, in the first title in the series, from 1986, the player was surprised, upon completing the game, to find the deadly alien-killing warrior they had been controlling turned out to be a young, waiflike blonde girl, once her chunky, figure-obscuring space armor was removed. According to Wu, this obviously meant Samus was a transsexual.

Wu unearthed an obscure official Japanese strategy guide to the 1994 sequel Super Metroid in which the game’s developers gave short Q&A interviews, being asked to reveal Samus’ biggest secret. One developer, Hirofumi Mutsuoka, answered that she was “a newhalf,” a jokey Japanese term for a transsexual roughly equivalent to the insulting English slang word “tranny.”

Wu chose to take this quip literally, accusing Nintendo of disgracefully engaging in “transgender erasure” by subsequently depicting Samus as “a petite blond woman with large breasts” in promotional cartoon drawings, probably because this is what she actually is. This was not mere subjective opinion, pronounced Wu, but fact: Samus was “totally trans” and dissenters must “JUST ACCEPT IT, IT’S CANNON” [sic].

Any gamers who objected were in denial that they too were queer. Having perhaps previously lusted over alluring comic-book images of this well-endowed, slim, pixelated blonde, argued Wu, any dissenting male gamers were just unwilling to admit they had inadvertently turned themselves gay by mistake. Nintendo, it seemed, had tricked schoolboys across the globe into wanking over drawings of other men, for reasons best known only to Mr. Wu himself.

If readers found this argument unlikely, Wu had an easy answer ready: “Requiring proof is hugely problematic.” It always is for these people, isn’t it?

Playing Games With Children’s Lives
Nintendo’s flagship Super Mario titles are often targeted for similar queer conversion tactics. As the world’s most famous plumber, Mario is well-known for entering people’s pipes, giving much room for anal innuendo: Witness this notorious online scare about 2007 3-D platformer Super Mario Galaxy subliminally spelling out the phrase “U R MR GAY” on its box-art title logo in an alleged attempt to make kids go homo.

Even queerer, did you know Mario’s cute green dinosaur steed Yoshi is in a gay relationship with a cross-dressing pink dinosaur called Birdo? Possibly not, because this is wholly untrue. Nintendo once made a brief joke to this effect in the manual for the old GameCube version of Mario Kart, and delusional activists just decided to disingenuously take it at face value.

In February, a female New York English teacher, Remy Elliott—who is registered with educational authorities under the name Jeremy William Elliott, is involved in polyamorous relations with multiple partners, and self-righteously displays the trans, bi, and nonbinary flags on her desk in class, just like Mr./Mrs. Chips once did—was reported as peddling demented, gay-tastic fantasies about various Mario characters to her students in an after-school “Gay-Straight Alliance Club.”

Yoshi now somehow became not a green dinosaur but “a trans man” whose “top surgery” (i.e., surgical breast removal) “turned out amazing.” The Mario series’ habitual damsel in distress Princess Peach was “a massive cis lesbian,” whilst Mario himself “came out so long ago…he probably marched at Stonewall.” His brother Luigi was “totally a demisexual dude” who “calls himself queer” and “has big bi-wife energy,” whatever in the name of Christ that is.

Living miniature-mushroom-man Toad, meanwhile, was “obviously a pre-transitioned trans girl,” which is even more unlikely than Stormy Daniels’ old claim that Toad closely resembled Donald Trump’s penis—something that, if true, is highly disturbing, given that Toad has eyes and limbs, wears clothes, and can talk, play golf, and drive a car. But then, so can Donald.

When challenged, Elliott later said this was all meant “in jest,” but how can you even tell anymore? Even if only jokes, she was still promoting such nonsense by stealth. The TikToking teacher has said conservatives who object to her proselytizing to students in this ridiculous fashion were “children as people.” It sounds to me as if she is in a state of perpetual adolescence herself.

Game Boys for Gay-Boys
To be fair, you can occasionally come across dubious conservative readings of Mario Kart, too: look at this piece claiming it promotes adherence to the rule of law amongst youngsters. Given all this, what are the odds some queer obsessives out there won’t genuinely try to subvert Mario Kart’s Rainbow Road into a new LGBTQ icon someday soon? Actually, it has already happened.

Rainbow Road is the name of an online gay gaming podcast in which “a pair of gaymers” sit around discussing the alleged innate intersection between same-sex love and videogaming. Its logo is a crude and blurry 8-bit image of the duo in question sitting down in the middle of one of Mario Kart’s actual Rainbow Road tracks and openly fiddling with their joysticks.

These days, even the false or mistaken claims made about the woke left turn out to be true, if you only wait around long enough. The next pipe Mario penetrates will surely be a brown one.