Marquess of Londonderry

Now for the good news. The Pugs weekend was a great success, although it took place over a Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday in Corsica. Just before the regatta’s gun went off we voted on new members, but no one passed muster. A club record was equaled when Balotelli, the Italian striker, received as many black balls as Elton John and Larry Gagosian once did. As most of you know, Pugs is the mysterious virtual club considered by discerning souls to be the world’s most exclusive.

Variously described as “the bane of half the English nobility” and “that hotbed of dissent,” this virtually impenetrable club’s rise to stardom has been unprecedented. For the past 300 years White’s has reigned over SW1 as the last bastion of English dignity and discrimination, quietly upholding a once proud nation’s traditions and vigorously staving off arrivistes and hoi polloi. Now Pugs has surpassed White’s. Pugs’ regatta has now replaced Royal Ascot week, the Chelsea Flower Show, and Lord’s and Henley as the year’s premier social event.

This year’s regatta winner was Bushido, owned by Taki and skippered by Commodore Tim Hoare, who masterfully outsmarted Sir Roger Taylor’s Tiger Lily, crewed by tens of hands including Sir Bob Geldof, to win a handsome victory with yours truly accepting the cup. Afterwards my captain told me that the fix was in and Roger had ordered his captain to take a dive in lieu of me having finished last in every race since the regatta began five years ago.

It’s been that kind of week. First my opponents take a dive to make me feel better, then Sophie Windsor makes me take a dive of despair. Things can only get better.