And Jesus? You know he wore sandals so his feet could breathe, right? It was the athlete’s foot—little-known fact—and that’s gross, so erase the man from history. We can replace him with Paris Hilton because, well, she colors her hair real nice. And her dog fits in a purse. How cute is that?

It’s not like kids need us to save Halloween for them. When it comes to the bond between a child and his chocolate he will find a way to make it happen. Remember Charlie from the Willy Wonka movie? Not the disgusting Johnny Depp version, but the brilliant Gene Wilder one?

As boys cling to this annual dress-up-for-candy ritual it is good training for the transition later in life into raising money for what is also now Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Out to save the world one breast at a time and all that.

Did anybody ever doubt that the breast would be responsible for curing cancer? Sure, the real hero will be working long hours all goggled up in a lab somewhere, but we know what motivated him.

What about the lightbulb? Take one look at one of those and it’s not hard to imagine what Edison was thinking about. And the Internet? It never would have caught on if breasts hadn’t swooped in and saved the day in the early years. It was all part of Al Gore’s grand design.

Breasts can even define a culture—the French prefer those that fit delicately inside a champagne glass while Americans want a matching pair that can collectively plug a toilet.

The downside of breasts is they can cause car accidents and make men lose their houses. They can be inconvenient for women, causing backaches and poor posture.

And alas, some women will be objectified and not appreciated for everything they have to offer (in addition to their breasts).

But that seems a small price to pay to cure cancer.