But it was still the best feeling in the world”€”sitting near death. It was the edge and I could jump off it and what I would see and feel and learn in the falling was so tempting that it pulled at me. Most people live far from that edge. This was the best feeling in the world”€”living. I only understood and felt it when I sat there on that wall and it was the same feeling as being in that helicopter”€”a big bit of hot metal that missiles liked to fly at and punch out of the sky”€”it always felt safe inside it. It was sitting near death that made me feel alive. Life at home was all comfort but here life was so real, we could be animals but we could also be so human in the middle of it all. We could help a little girl wash her face and give her some water because water was all she wanted.

It felt nice to be there at that moment. It wasn”€™t hot or cold. It felt just right”€”like a lazy warm buzz. I didn”€™t feel empty; it filled me to just under the brim and I wanted more. I couldn”€™t see the mortars or choppers but the noise made the best pictures in my head. I felt content like rum makes me feel when I”€™ve sipped my way through a bottle, taking it easy, feeling like a bowling ball rolled gently down the lane and nudging the pins over as if they”€™re friends and we all lie there laughing until we realize that we don”€™t even know why.

I stayed on that wall long enough for the mortar noise to become normal, and it was beautiful. Feeling like a little kid, I laid down and tried to track the invisible helicopter pointing into the sky. I could have fallen asleep forever with a smile on my face. I wanted to get everyone onto that wall to feel this way. I knew it could hurt you; I lost friends there but they really lived right up until the point at which they died. They lived in more ways than me and they felt more than I ever did”€”they were full from life. Some of them were so smart they could have been doctors, but they chose to soldier. This was how we lived our dreams, and that was more important. I feel sorry for anybody who hasn’t been to a war. After meeting soldiers and falling in love with the life, I knew I couldn”€™t let it go. If anybody ever asked me what parachuting was like I”€™d say it was the third-best feeling in the world.

Walking around London these days, I smoke and drink and stop and think about how much I want to feel like that again.

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