Marcus Aurelius

Today the Scandinavian countries and the Netherlands are constitutional monarchies that are sitting pretty. Even Belgium—a non-country—is held together by its monarchy.

Which brings me to the British royal wedding of April 29. Like all fair-minded people I hope that William one day becomes king and his bride queen. Poor old Camilla has too much baggage; at least the great monarchist expert Taki thinks so. Why give professional troublemakers an opportunity to make a stink? Why bring phony Diana worshippers back to the forefront of the anti-monarchist campaign? I think Prince Charles would make a great elder statesman and adviser to his son if he stepped aside, and William would be a very popular king once he succeeds to the throne. It would give the monarchy the boost it needs, what with the minor royals having done their best these last thirty years to boost scandal-sheet circulation.

I am such a passionate monarchist, my own wedding has been postponed lest I steal the spotlight from William and Kate. It was no secret among the Spectator group that the sainted editor was going to be my best man when I married the deputy editor on April 29 at the Brompton Oratory. Then the Speccie received a hysterical call from Buck House asking the sainted one to change dates as the crowds might get confused and cheer us rather than the royals. The sainted editor gave in. My inner circle’s members also demonstrated their Easter spirit by blackballing Bernard-Henri Lévy and Jeffrey Epstein from my imminent nuptials. I find this appallingly elitist, racist, sexist, and anti-Semitic. They also blackballed John Bercow on the grounds that he’s a dwarf.

So instead of getting married on April 29, I’ll be competing at the judo championships in Orlando, Florida. It’s been a very rough week for the poor little Greek boy, yet again left standing at the altar. Happy Easter to all of you, except for the man who rang from Buckingham Palace.