Dear Delphi,

My daughter will not speak to me. I invited her and her family for Christmas lunch, but she did not reply and did not come. I think she is upset because I have just remarried with a woman her age and we are having a baby. What can I do? Doesn”€™t she want me to be happy?

“€”Desperado Dad in DC

Dear Desperado Dad in DC,

No, she does not want you to be happy; she wants you to be her father. She does not want a brother or sister younger than her own children. And she does not want a stepmother her age.

To you it may seem that she does not care about your happiness, but parents do not have the right to be seen by their children as human. Don”€™t think for a second she will ever see you as a person outside of your role as father. It will never happen. You are the father and will always be the father. The father does not go out and marry a woman his daughter’s age, because that would be creepy and gross like marrying your own daughter. A man will always do that, but never a father.

She may never be able to see you as a man, an individual human, and she may never be able to be happy for you, but maybe if you insist enough she may be civil and come to lunch. Big stumbling blocks you should avoid: a) never give your daughter the impression you love your new wife more than you love her; b) never let your second wife get the idea she has any rights to be in a “€œHe loves me more and will do anything I want”€ competition with your daughter; and c) never bring up the fact that you are a person who deserves happiness, as this will only worsen the situation.

Being very patient, generous, and forgiving of her hissy fits is the only way to have a civil, enduring relationship.

Dear Delphi,

I am a 37-year-old man and have been courting a woman. We have gone out a total of four times at best but have not yet had sex, and she asked me to go to Hermès to get her a Birkin bag. Mind you, she has already preordered it. Do you think I should buy her the bag? Doesn”€™t the whole thing seem a bit calculated?

“€”Muddled in Monaco

Dear Muddled in Monaco,

It seems you are being hunted by a fortune huntress, and a Class D one at that. Had she been any good at her “€œjob,”€ you would never have known what hit you. She would have made and cultivated a friendship with one of the salespeople in the store so that when it came time to bring you, the mark, into the store it would have been seamless. You would have bought her the bag and probably a new pair of shoes to match and not thought twice. You would not be writing me concerned.

No, do not buy her the bag”€”give her the boot instead! Yes, it is calculated. No, she is not interested in anything but the goodies she can get you to buy. The fact that you are 37 and not 77 means you can still hope to find a Class A huntress, so keep looking. And by the way, any good puta knows they have to give you what you want before they get paid.

Please write to Delphi at delphibl@alice.it