Greta Thunberg

Source: Bigstock

Back in September 2019, as Greta Thunberg gave yet another 100 percent recycled speech about climate change to the U.N. to predictable applause from the great and the good, ever eager to outdo one another in the game of competitive moral pedophilia that then surrounded her every word, over in Europe a cabal of key French Left Bank intellectuals weighed in with their opinions on the then still barely legal 16-year-old Swedish wunderkind too. Their conclusion? “I wouldn’t, would you?”

According to Bernard Pivot, the 84-year-old head of the body behind the nation’s top literary prize, the Prix Goncourt (like a French Booker or Pulitzer, but for proper novels), if the moonfaced Ms. Thunberg really wanted to get her message across, she should apply a bit more lipstick and try smiling. “In my generation, boys would run after…les petit Suédoises: They had a reputation for being less stuck up than French girls,” bemoaned Pivot, adding that his own adolescent self would have been far too “scared stiff” of the modern-day “furious Swede” to so much as approach her for a quick fumble before the world ended.

Philosopher Pascal Bruckner, 70, agreed, accusing her of parading her proudly professed autism “like a title of nobility” and of having an outright “scary” face. Deep thinker Michel Onfray, 60, went further, theorizing Greta was really a robot, writing that “She makes you think of those silicon dolls heralding the end of humanity, the post-human era. She has the face, age, sex and body of a cyborg of the third millennium, her envelope is neutral, she is, alas, where mankind is heading.”

But could there be another explanation for Thunberg’s distinctly zoned-out, Uncanny Valley appearance? Could she really have been an actual alien being in disguise?

Thunbergs Are Go!
This theory popped into my mind recently when I learned of a new Harvard academic study claiming Earth may be filled with so-called “cryptoterrestrials,” or aliens in disguise who walk amongst us. This then further reminded me that July had just marked World UFO Day, linking in with the month of the supposed Roswell saucer crash in New Mexico in 1947. Several reports of this newly minted pseudo-holiday linked back to stories of dwarfish alien “corpses” found in Mexico last year, which actually appear to be the fake mummified remains of dead Native Indian children fused with animal bones…whose blank, staring, dish-faced appearance and Belsen-thin frames made me think immediately of what Greta must look like naked.

One man who may agree with this amateur anatomical assessment is Dr Young-hae Chi, an Oxford academic who has released a book, Alien Visitations and the End of Humanity, claiming that invisible aliens sharing our purportedly dying biosphere have secretly been abducting humans to mate with them, thereby producing hybrids “of a very high intelligence” designed to infiltrate the Green movement and set themselves up as our future leaders.

These Little Green Men (or Women) would then save Earth from the horrors of man-made climate change, as such post-human beings, just like their alien masters, “have a better [i.e., better-informed] view of our future” than ordinary untermenschen, CO₂-spewing, human voters do. This conspiratorial scheme, I humbly suggest, would explain perfectly the haughty, unconcerned fashion in which our disconnected elitist political class hands out its wholly unworkable and unaffordable climate diktats to the rest of us from their parliamentary thrones on high these days.

Green Vegetables
When asked her views about UFOs at a 2023 press conference, Greta just laughed. Maybe she should have listened with a straight face instead to the wise words of another prominent eco-minded female campaigner, Laura Eisenhower. As the great-granddaughter of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, the man who signed a treacherous treaty with ETs back in 1954, giving them access to Westerners’ bodies to harvest in return for the advanced weapons that would help NATO win the Cold War (you did know that, right?), Laura ought to be well-up on these subjects.

A prominent New Age psychic—or “intuitive astrologist, global alchemist and cosmic mythologist,” as she prefers it—Eisenhower argues it is possible to infallibly attract the attention of aliens to oneself simply by adopting a vegan diet, just like Greta Thunberg herself has ostentatiously done. Which particular vegan foods would Laura recommend? “My body has been called to eat cabbages lately,” she revealed in 2016. Never has the phrase “You are what you eat” rang quite so true.

Eisenhower explained why extraterrestrial “sky-beings” were so attracted toward those with entire hutches full of rabbit food swilling around inside their empty and echoing stomachs:

“It’s a cleaner and purer energy. I don’t like to say what you should and shouldn’t eat when it comes to meat, but you will be at a better capacity to relate to higher-dimensional beings because your body won’t be as weighted down by gravity. When you are dealing with eating animals, it is a heavier density to process in our physical bodies. When we eat veggies, we are lighter, so we can connect easier with higher beings.”

Higher beings like Greta Thunberg, maybe?

The Greens and the Grays
By going vegan, Greta herself does seem to aspire to a state akin to that of the famous “Grays” from contemporary UFO mythology, who are often said to have evolved beyond the need to either eat any food or excrete at all, having shed their bellies and anuses long ago, their blood being replaced by purest chlorophyll.

Aspiring post-human Green Mekons of the Greta Thunberg model, just like the Grays, also often come across as having chlorophyll for blood. Their fantasies about mankind as a whole shunning meat and living off solar power seem like baby steps on the road to autotrophy, an evolutionary wonder seriously advocated by certain transhumanists, in which we will somehow begin living like harmless plants via solar-powered photosynthesis.

Veganism itself may represent a pious and impossible desire to remove oneself from the primitive and limitational bounds of being human—the unrealizable dream of a life without consumption, either nutritional or consumerist.

The Grays are really Greens; and the Greens are really Grays, you might say.

Hergé’s Misadventures of Tintin
According to a current hoax video online, Greta Thunberg has released a new book, Vegan Wars, advocating the pressing need for mankind to make the transition toward more environmentally “sustainable” modes of warfare, like so: “If you use hand grenades, please use vegan hand grenades. No animals should have to give their life for all this mayhem and chaos.”

Yet this is just the twisted way that someone with an authentically “alien” mode of cognition like autism really might be expected to actually think for real. It is a little-known fact that Greta’s middle name is Tintin—although, given how unreasonably proud of her neurological condition she is, I always think of her as being much more like Professor Calculus, myself.

Thunberg has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, the milder, high-functioning variant of autism, which she personally considers a “superpower,” although “many ignorant people still see it as an ‘illness,’ or something negative.” One such “ignorant” human was Australian journalist Andrew Bolt, who called her “deeply disturbed” in a much-censured op-ed piece following her public revelation of her diagnosis several years back.

But I think Bolt had a point. If you look at Greta’s own account of her disorder—sorry, blessed gift from another planet—then she does indeed come across as being rather “deeply disturbed”…

The Greta Depression
The noted Swedish Doom-Goblin says she first heard of climate change at age 8, finding that her (then still undiagnosed) autism and OCD made her react differently to the distressing news than her normal-brained classmates:

“I remember when I was younger…our teachers showed us films of plastic in the ocean, starving polar bears and so on. I cried through all the movies. My classmates were concerned when they watched the film, but when it stopped, they started thinking about other things. I couldn’t do that. Those pictures were stuck in my head.”

As she also admits: “I overthink. Some people can just let things go, but I can’t, especially if there’s something that worries me or makes me sad.” Is this really a “superpower”? It sounds to me more like a form of debilitating mental-cum-social disorder, especially when she explains how this particular “superpower” later manifested when she reached the age of 11. Most unlike Superman or Wonder Woman: “[I had] no energy, no friends and I didn’t speak to anyone. I just sat alone at home, with an eating disorder. I kept thinking about it and I just wondered if I am going to have a future.”

That sounds very much as if she was clinically depressed and considering infant suicide. More specifically, she stopped eating temporarily—another step on the road toward aspirant post-human alien autotrophy, I suppose?

During this period, Greta also developed selective mutism (albeit sadly not selective enough, some might argue). How can this be so, when she never bloody shuts up, at least not about her current monomanias of the murders of Gaia and Gaza? Purportedly, the fact this human Sphinx speaks at all on such topics only demonstrates yet further just how world-shatteringly important they both are.

Jehovah’s Witless
Oddly enough, there are some autists out there who genuinely think they may be descended from alien beings—actual ones, not metaphorical ones like Angry Tintin. Some such narratives are disseminated by official organizations such as the U.K.’s National Autistic Society, whose magazine Spectrum once featured a highly bizarre article by someone calling himself “Jehovian,” who claimed to be directly spawned from extraterrestrial gametes.

As donkeys and horses could crossbreed and produce the hybrid species of mules, argued Jehovian, why should not ETs and humans do so too?

“My belief is that ET-human matings did happen, which left a component of ET genetic material in the human gene pool…. I have AS [Asperger’s syndrome]. I believe that one of the principal reasons why I have this disorder is that I have inherited a significant element of ET genetic material, which means that, mentally and interpersonally, I am not completely human…. And that means that ordinary human beings (that is, neurotypicals) are rather alien to me. And vice versa. So it is not surprising that I, and they, have mutual difficulties in social interaction…for we are of different species…. Finally, of course, ET genetic inheritance would explain the higher-than-normal intelligence of the human being with AS.”

This seems an understandable enough coping mechanism for having to deal with what may often be a very distressing condition: If it makes Jehovian happy to engage in this personal fantasy of secret genetic superiority in terms of his sky-high ET-level IQ, then good luck to him.

But with someone like Greentard Greta, the matter is completely different. Rather than just getting on with things personally as best she can, she instead hubristically and selfishly attempts to impose her obsessive, aberrant, and wholly alien modes of both cognition and digestion upon normative society at large, thereby helping drive down living conditions for the rest of us poor “neurotypicals” in order to fit in with her twisted Apocalyptic Millenarian worldview.

Worse, by canonizing her as an admirably “neurodivergent” child saint, the sycophantic current political ruling class of Reds and Greens really have allowed our puny planet to be invaded and conquered by alien beings of a certain sort, after all.

France’s aging Left Bank intellectuals were right to call Little Miss Thunberg an inhuman, otherworldly influence. UFO, please, Greta: U Fuck Off.