I knew a pothead who for years did nothing but work on a perpetual-motion machine. Instead, all he created was a perpetual-unemployment machine.

Pot should be legal, but that doesn’t mean it’s not bad for you. The pro-pot activists are so gung-ho, they pretend it’s not a vice. It is. It fucks up your life. It’s like porn or alcohol.

Like heroin, marijuana usurps your will to live. It is terrible for students because it makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning. It’s terrible for work because it makes you go off on tangents and pursue meaningless projects that don’t generate cash.

Still, I love smoking pot. It improves my marriage and makes my friends so hilarious I often wonder why they don’t have their own show. I watched The Others while baked and became so petrified, I hid in my bed as a tub of ice cream melted all over the floor. It was awesome.

However, I don’t smoke when my kids are awake and I don’t smoke it at work. It’s not an office supply. It’s a vice. And I thank the Lord I didn’t smoke a lot of it as a young man. Pot doesn’t make you do bad things. It doesn’t make you do anything. In fact, it makes you not do anything. That’s not something to celebrate. It’s something to avoid. Mostly.