LOHER AND LOHER SHE GOES
Lindsay Lohan forgot to pay her taxes last year and apparently the IRS is after her for more than $100,000. Nevertheless, the other Long Island Lolita (Lohlita?) appeared at an amfAR benefit in New York last week looking as if she’d been dead for a year. The former child star had a ridiculous head of bleached-blonde hair plus extensions and thick bangs that were savagely unflattering. Lohan has since appeared at other events and locations around the city looking a bit better, but still as ragged as a blown tire on the side of the road. She has injected her lips and Botoxed her face which, in addition to the cheap-looking hair, bodes badly for her future appearance. Lohan isn’t even thirty yet but she looks much older. Lindsay, babe: Lose the extensions, go back to red, and quit going under the knife. You’re looking like a porn star and it ain’t pretty. But you are pretty. Get it together, sister, while there’s still time. Your parents may be wack, but you’re out-wacking them. 

MACK ATTACK
Stephanie Mack, AKA Stephanie Madoff, née Mikesell, is moving on with her life. In a New York Post article, Mark Madoff’s widow reveals how she is coping after her husband’s suicide and her father-in-law’s infamous Ponzi scheme crackup. Mack, who attended the Upper East Side’s tony Nightingale-Bamford School, says she told her children, “Daddy got a boo-boo on his brain that made his heart stop.” We are glad she has her life back and is appearing in magazines, but we wonder why she bothered changing her name if she’s still telling everyone who she is. We also want to know why she thinks “daddy got a boo-boo” when “daddy” was probably the only decent Madoff. Under different circumstances suicide might be a “brain boo-boo,” but in this case, it was the honorable thing to do. From his photos, Mark Madoff looked like a nice guy.

TEST-TUBE ROYALS
Poor Charlene of Monaco can’t catch a break. The oft-sedated wife of Prince Albert is apparently undergoing IVF treatments. Does she refuse to fornicate, or can’t he get it up for her? Maybe she’s too unhappy to conceive. Could she be infertile? We can’t imagine her plumbing wasn’t checked before the grand nuptials. Hormone treatments are supposedly making Charlene even more volatile than usual, and she is countering her unhappiness with many visits to the plastic surgeon. Rumor on the Riviera is she’s not even living in the royal palace anymore and has an apartment in town. What a sad and pathetic life. What makes things even worse is that Albert looks so happy in every photo op, while Charlene looks totally sapped. I knew the Grimaldis were warped, but this union really ices the cake.